Brussels Blog

Siamo Tornati

2007-11-29T09:02:00.000-08:00

Brand Belgium: No government, no sunshine, just beer

Welcome back to the blog formerly known as Lanzarote.

Entertainment Value

2007-02-17T02:18:00.000-08:00

I always thought that we'd know that Malta had come of age when the political catfights made way for other celebrity bust-ups. It's been quite clear to me that all those sober individuals calling for politicians to tone down their act and to 'lead by example' forget that a bit of action is probably what the man in the street is really looking for. Can you imagine the sheer boredom of Maltese politics without the personal jibes and attacks. What would be left? Radically different policies? Once the EU issue was out of the way, hardly. As Harry Vassallo admitted this week, even the Greens risk losing some of their novelty value as the other two parties wheel out the ambjent rhetoric. So, to an extent, the entertainment value of Maltese politics might soon be all that's left of it: the clashing ambitions, personalities and egos of the political class. But there's evidence that Malta might finally be getting bored of the actors on stage and that it's looking elsewhere for its entertainment kick. When Il- Gagga author Frans Sammut and lawyer/columnist Andrew Borg Cardona have a three-week go at each other over something as lofty as literary knowledge (replete with working class versus bourgeois overtones) you know that we've come a long way baby. Malta, welcome to The Age of Kulcher!

We're off to the Cologne Carnival . Viel spass!

2007-02-14T01:33:00.000-08:00

Young, 'daring' Kazakh reporter Borat Sagdiyev contemplates the 'evolving morality and standards of society' in the light of a recent apparently liberal landmark court judgement which implies that, in the eyes of the law, donning a tanga on the beach is more reprehensible than sporting the same garment in a girly club and that the police would have been more justified had they focused their attention on lazy sunbathers.

Eugenio Scalfari

2007-02-11T08:03:00.000-08:00

Absolutely essential reading for anyone who's interested in Church-State relations. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome one of the grand old men of Italian journalism: Eugenio Scalfari.

To fart or not to fart...

2007-02-09T06:05:00.000-08:00

The summer of 1992, which I spent discovering all the real pleasures of life, marked the beginning of my long love affair with that wonderful country called France. I won't go into the romantic details but I'll just mention one striking characteristic about the country which continues to feed my passion for La Republique. Is it the jealously defended laïcité? Is it the savoir vivre? The women? Yes, all that too. But what continues to amaze me and attract me most is France's capacity to philosophise about literally everything. Yes, they can even philosophise about farting. Unless you take yourself too seriously you've got to lift your glass to that.

***

Bon weekend a tous with a special dedika to those two French-loving Gozitans j'accuse and pierre j. mejlak. (Naf li ghadek m'ghamiltx press conference Pierre, imma gejt naqa' u nqum did-darba!)

Ideas

2007-01-30T07:34:00.000-08:00

Just a bit more on Church and State...

Malta is not a Catholic state ruled by an archbishop but a secular republic (Kenneth Zammit Tabona, The Times of Malta, 30/01/2007)

It is deeply insulting and offensive to all those of us who would like to know that we are not living in the Catholic equivalent of an Islamic State. (Daphne Caruana Galizia, The Malta Independent on Sunday, 28/01/2007)

Whatever happened to give unto Ceasar what is Ceasar's? Why do we live in a society where these things still need spelling out? (J'accuse)

The problem with the whole debate on divorce, the new Archbishop and the role of the Church in Malta is that people seem to position the discourse in terms of a choice between two opposing poles. On the one hand the "Caesar gets what's his" option (in which case we can call ourselves secular and 'modern'), on the other the "God gets to play Caesar and Caesar gets to play God" scenario (where we end up looking like a Catholic version of an Islamic State).

Things are a bit more complicated and interesting than that. A little voyage around the world reveals that there are 3 main categories of Church-State relationship and several particularities within each category. I find it weird that this stuff didn't feature in our political theory or philosophy of law classes at the good old UoM.

Separation - No official State religion. Private law governs religious matters. As the US experience has shown, this does not preclude political parties from leaning towards religious groups in terms of ideology. Three types of separation can be identified: Pure separation (France, the US, Mexico, Turkey). 'Agreed' separation based on a bilateral treaty between Church and State in which the Church is considered a legal entity governed by public law and is granted public funding (Germany, Austria, Croatia, Spain, Italy, Portugal, Slovakia). Hostile separation in which the State is based on an atheist or agnostic ideology and eliminates religion from public life (Cuba, China, North Korea)

Association - In which the State upholds a "national" religion (which establishes the identity of the nation) or an "official" religion. This may sit comfortably with freedom of conscience and a secular approach to civil status (civil marriage, divorce legislation, abortion etc) and the full respect of other religions (The United Kingdom, Finland, Denmark and others)

Collusion - The State purports to be the guarantor of one religion which is confused with the national identity. The clergy are civil servants and play a political role, religious doctrine is applied to civil status issues such as marriage, divorce and abortion. In some countries other beliefs are tolerated (Pakistan, Algeria, Egypt, Israel) while in others they are banned (Saudi Arabia). The Vatican is a case apart since it is the only true theocracy in the world: the spiritual and temporal are joined in the authority of the Sovereign Pontiff.

Malta is an interesting case which, as things stand, appears to straddle the Association and Collusion categories. There are three crucial factors which make this possible.

First, both the Head of State and several members of the ruling class (including the Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Minister but also large chunks of the Opposition) appear to base their ideology on their belief system, projecting these values as national values rather than purely personal ones. This was made patently clear when President Fenech Adami indicated that he would probably not sign a divorce law passed by the House. But let's not ignore the fact that letters in local newspapers are still full of biblical quotations. Representatives represent the represented.

Second, following the Church-Mintoff standoff, the Labour party came to the conclusion that it would be unwise to take on Malta's Catholic majority. Essentially the debate on Church-State relations ended in the 1980s, handed the Nationalists a comfortable lead and 25 years later the 'pragmatic' Labour Party rivals the Nationalist Party in terms of devout Catholic representatives. Alfred Sant, himself an atheist, could face a mutiny if he rocks the boat at this stage. Labour MP Adrian Vassallo has already made it clear that if his party were to pledge to introduce divorce legislation, he would not stand for election. In other words, Malta's socialists are light years away from Zapatero with whom they share seats in the European Parliament.

Third, and perhaps crucially, Malta lacks a convincing and influential intellectual class which is prepared to move the debate and the country forward. Anyone who follows debates in Italy, Poland and Spain knows that the big ideological battles of today still pit liberals against conservatives (and the Church) on issues like the Pacs, gay marriage and stem-cell research. In Italy's La Repubblica, for instance, the extent of the Vatican's ingerenza into local politics is often debated and analysed. Granted, these countries have moved on from debating divorce. However, let's not forget that Spain only got a divorce law in 1981 after massive opposition from the Church and conservatives. Malta is not the only country in Europe where the Catholic Church's doctrine still plays an important ideological role in debates. And it's not a 16th century country just because it lacks divorce legislation. But Malta is the only country in Europe which lacks a convincing and respected progressive 'voice' to challenge and question the predominant conservative world view. Most small countries in Europe (think Luxembourg and Belgium) naturally feed off the bigger intellectual debate going on around them in France, Germany and Holland. Malta doesn't quite have that advantage which makes debates there appear rather surreal - from where I'm standing at any rate. It's enough to realise that the solitary voices of Daphne Caruana Galizia and Salvu Balzan still ring out like some sort of cutting-edge avant-garde anomaly.

The fact that on the ground some people have chosen to adopt different lifestyles and that marriages are breaking down isn't proof that we've suddenly become a secular, liberal nation. A few thousand people sleeping with their lovers and missing their Sunday Mass won't alter the institutional set-up. It takes ideas and free-thinking people who're ready to risk their career to do that.

Celebrity Death Match

2007-01-28T08:06:00.000-08:00

One of the best things to come out of MTV has got to be the insane and hilarious Celebrity Deathmatch which ran for 75 episodes between 1998 and 2002. The spoof show pitted celebrities against each other in an over the top physical manifestation of their clashing egos . To get an idea of the sort of fight to the death which this parody served its audience check out the list of bouts here. Mick Jagger vs. Stephen Tyler (featuring Liv Tyler) apparently ended with Stephen Tyler impaled on Mick Jagger's 'gigantic tongue'. Celebrities would insult each other during the course of the contest, dissing their opponents' physical attributes, status or failures before ripping each other to shreds.

I've written a short script, based on two articles penned by two of Malta's leading journalistic celebrities in the aftermath of Pawlu Week.

BIBLE-THUMPING 'CARDINAL' ROAMER vs. LIBERAL FEMINIST DAPHNE CARUANA GALIZIA

Referee for tonight's match: PEPPI 'I'M EVERYWHERE' AZZOPARDI

PEPPI: Orrajt folks, let's get it on...

CR: (in right corner wearing priest's habit) The plea of the youngsters has been reflected in that made by thousands of men and women who have been following the footsteps of 'Patri Pawl'. At one level, these crowds made for an inspiring sight, a public unspoken confession of a thirst for a renaissance of the Church in Malta, their own rebirth...This much was made evident before last Friday's Mass of Consecration when thousands turned up in Valletta to share the occasion with Mgr Cremona...(waves fist triumphantly in show of strength)

DCG: (in left corner wearing black Chanel career woman suit and stylish 'intellectual' spectacles) The fever in the streets has been somewhat muted...We have become more urban, more secular, and the very idea of mobbing a priest in a frenzy of religious admiration embarrasses us. We leave the hand-kissing to the old ladies with their rosaries and their votive candles. It’s perfectly possible to live happily and well without a Catholic identity, as thousands of us know after having been told otherwise throughout our school years. (makes pooh-poohing motion with left hand)

CR:(wags knowing finger at the audience) This will be met by cynical opposition from those who have taken over, unwittingly and unconsciously perhaps (or not) from Mr Mintoff, whose determination to see the Church cocooned in the sacristy failed, but not before he had wounded her gravely.

PEPPI: Below the belt - first warning Mr Roamer!

DCG: (signals to refree that she's not at all injured) What has impressed me most about the strong media coverage accorded to the new archbishop is the underlying suggestion that he will somehow reach out to people like me, wave his magic wand, and turn us into rosary-reciting, Mass-going Catholics. He won’t. (throws determined glance at opponent).

CR: "We profess we believe there's God's image in every person... that this image is present in each man and woman; in those that are estranged from God and perhaps appear as if they are getting in the way of the Church..." (gets agitated, a bead of sweat trickles down his brow)

DCG: (says coolly, keeping her composure) The perception of people who are “lapsed Catholics” as being lost sheep, who can be returned to the fold by a charismatic bishop, is really quite annoying. Most of us never belonged to the fold at all, which is why we broke down the fence and left at the earliest opportunity. We were only in that fold because we were popped into it 24 hours after birth. Now we look at the other sheep crammed behind the stockade and all we can think of is what a relief it is that we’re not in there with them, and can roam in the large green pasture outside instead, the one called Christianity or nothing at all. (removes glasses and holds them between lips in clearly provocative gesture)

CR: (agitation and fervor show no signs of abating) If this enthusiasm is penetrated with the spirit of Christ, animated by a sense of obedience and love towards the pastors of the Church, a very rich harvest can be expected from it.

DCG: (glowers at opponent menacingly) Nothing on earth will persuade us back into that fold. If people do not choose their religion, but are raised in it from birth, indoctrinated all the way, and brainwashed about the evils of other ways of life, a high percentage of them will reject it as soon as they are old enough and free enough to think for themselves. This much should be obvious. (removes belt and swings it in lassoo motion over her head)

CR: (opens Bible on random page and regains composure) The new Archbishop may well point us in the direction of the living water the Samaritan woman failed to recognise until it was revealed to her by the person to whom she was speaking that he was the living water - and much else besides. In short, he will place before us as an alternative to thirst, the reception of the Eucharist, the essentiality of the Mass and the need to attend this not as an obligation, not only on Sundays, but as the source for quenching our thirst. (sits smugly in corner looking pleased as Punch)

DCG: (brandishes V-sign in direction of opponent) It is because some people believe Catholicism to be the one true way of life that they think of all others as lost and waiting to be found, or runaways who need to be recaptured.The thousands of lapsed Catholics in Malta are neither lost sheep nor even lapsed Catholics. We would never have been Catholics in the first place, given a choice. We were raised as Catholics, liked nothing about it, argued all the way, were scathing about the unconvincing answers we were given by our religious educators, and were delighted to shed the lot. (starts to remove Manolo Blahniks)

CR: (gesturing wildly) Some of today's secular voices, well-meaning in some cases, not so in others, are attempting to do the same thing, chipping away at values, deriding this or that belief, distinguishing, even divorcing Jesus from the Church - a tactic the socialist leader also employed with some success among his followers. A new indifferentism poses a challenge to the physical and spiritual proximity that the laity is requesting. This request may turn out to be a revolutionary one.

DCG:(removes other shoe) Others, like me, feel no need of organised religion at all. Rather, we feel the need to avoid it at all costs. We are perfectly happy to believe in God and Christ, and even to pray, without constant reference to a rule-book and the words of priests and pastors. (approaches adversary menacingly and buries heel of left shoe into Roamer's cranium)

CR: (miracoulously unscathed) And in the classrooms of the State - what leeway has the Church in the religious instruction of the young and the adolescent? It should be clear that here, following from the family environment, there is much work to be done. There are those who say that youngsters must find their own way, should not be influenced by belief; but this is as ludicrous as saying that youngsters should be left on their own in physical training to get fit as best they can... (now more determined than ever, reaches for rosary beads in cassock)

DCG: (slightly shaken by reselience of opponent) The only way to ensure that those who are raised as Catholics stay Catholic all their lives is to use force or the law, as the Inquisition did in the past. You can also prevent them from becoming apostates through rigid social control, stricture and censure, as Islam does even today. Neither option is desirable. (twists belt around Roamer's throat)

CR: (reveals to audience that not a single scar can be found on his neck) The challenges are self-evident. The response will have to include an understanding that it is in the family, the first Church, and in schools that the faith is threatened, initially. It is in the environment of the classroom and the family that the comeback has to start. (produces Richard Dawkin's The God Delusion from his pocket, hurls it to the ground, jumps on it, picks it up and proceeds to rip in into shreds)

DCG: (with an expression of sheer horror on her face) At 42, and well grounded in my life, I am neither searching for God nor lost in the wilderness, thank you very much...Organised religion is interesting to me only from the standpoint of an observer, and no charismatic bishop is going to change that. (increasingly exasperated, walks towards The Cardinal and looks him straight in the eye).

CR: (totally unmoved by the whole charade and ignoring the glassy stare of his opponent) ...That he will be following in the footsteps of Pope John, whose own smile nobody younger than 50 will remember, he made clear in his address at the end of Mass...

DCG: (now in full swing) The hallmark of a good archbishop is not whether he smiles and is jolly, whether he is an attractive person, or whether he goes down to Paceville on his first official day out and speaks to the kids there. (reaches for what looks like an Air Malta sickie bag and pretends to retch into it in sheer disgust)

CR: Over the past two weeks voices have been raised, in some cases to a point of hysteria, in favour of divorce. The Archbishop's answer to this will no doubt be the constant reaffirmation of the dignity of marriage and the family...(close up on smug look)

DCG: (really getting revved up now) ...The hallmark of a good archbishop is whether he gives unto Caesar what is Caesar’s, and unto God what is God’s. A good archbishop is one who bears in mind all the time that he is a religious leader and not a secular one, that he should stick to God’s business and let Caesar get on with his. He also needs to avoid doing what his predecessor did and the Prime Minister still does today: taking it for granted that all Maltese are Catholics and that Catholicism is our natural state and our default setting, and addressing the nation in this manner. (produces an A4 sized 'family photo' of the entire Maltese political class, writes "TOSSERS" in big red letters in lipstick across it and gets into a shredding frenzy)

CR: (close up on total poker face) ...I imagine Mgr Cremona will make marriage and marriage preparation the centre of his pastoral concern. If he is to succeed, he can do no better than to meet up more and more with young people to convince them of the value of permanence in marriage, the gift of fidelity, the intimacy of the married state and, to quote the Book of Common Prayer, to make them understand that marriage is "not by any to be enterprised, nor taken in hand, unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly". (stresses the last three words in solemn, annoying voice)

DCG: (now at the end of her tether, red in the face but still some fight left in her) It is deeply insulting and offensive to all those of us who would like to know that we are not living in the Catholic equivalent of an Islamic State. The archbishop is free to preach to his flock. He is not free to dictate the rules to the rest of us. (punches the air several times to emphasize last point)

CR: (goes on with a seraphic look on his face as if in ecstasy) The "plague of divorce" as the Council called by John XXIII chose to call it in the Decree on the Church in the Modern World, is just that. Contrary to what its proponents would have us believe, divorce does not preclude co-habitation but spectacularly encourages it. 40% of births in the United Kingdom took place out of wedlock, according to a recent survey and 4.5 million children were being brought up outside marriage.

DCG: (climbs onto the boundary ropes) ...Archbishop Mercieca saw it as his duty to do what he could to prevent Malta from introducing divorce legislation, so that Catholics would have no choice but to stick to Catholic rules. He sees all Maltese as Catholic on the basis that they were baptised and raised as such. He doesn’t have the imagination to think outside this box, or to see why this is wrong. Archbishop Cremona must see it as his duty to explain to his flock that, just as the Church has its duties and obligations, so does the State. (jumps off the top boundary rope and directs a sharp, brutal karate kick towards Roamer's groin area)

CR: (as if by magic, Roamer is entirely unperturbed by this vicious attack on his manliness) ...Evangelisation has to start well before marriage. It is clear, however, that along with prayer it is vital to the union. Which is why, I suspect, on the occasion of the vigil at Mdina, Mgr Cremona encouraged married couples "who do not usually pray together to pray for me tonight. And as you are praying, why pray just for me, pray to the Lord every day. As you pray for the Holy Spirit to descend unto me, also pray for (Him) to come unto you so that together we will build the Church" (close-up on the wide, self-contented smile that takes over his face)

DCG: (now entirely exhausted by the whole impossible ordeal, she has retired to her corner and with her last breath pronounces these last memorable, but ultimately impotent words)... He must spell it out to them in the kindest possible way that the State cannot allow non-Catholics to impose their rules on Catholics, that the State has the right and the duty to legislate for divorce, for example, while Catholics have the right to make use of this legislation but the duty not to do so. If he doesn’t do this, he will have failed not just his flock, but the entire country, because a country cannot be run according to religious laws, as Islam has shown as clearly. Leadership does not consist only in smiling and cracking jokes. In this, the public personas of both the head of the church and the head of the government coincide, but how does that help the country in any way? Leaders are not there to entertain us. For that, we have celebrities. (she passes out in a frenzy of exhaustion, anger and frustration...)

Cheers from the predominantly pro-Roamer crowd ring out. Chants of "u ara x'ghamilnilhom!" and "Viva Pawlu!" reverberate round the hall. Roamer stands in the middle of the ring, calm but radiant, as if he has been touched by the hand of God Himself. Daphne is carried out on a stretcher.

Peppi starts the countdown...10, 9, 8...3, 2, 1, 0. We have a WINNER...

Pawlu

2007-01-27T05:30:00.000-08:00

(Photo: Times of Malta)

After this week's developments on the home front, I don't think anyone can accuse us of being facetious if we ask a simple question. In the words of President Emeritus Guido De Marco, the main responsibility of the President of Malta is to 'try and keep the Maltese people together' and to 'be united behind the Maltese flag and give the people a sense of belonging'.

In terms of unity, identity, 'a sense of belonging' and consensus one must ask whether Archbishop Paul Cremona would be a more appropriate holder of that post than the current incumbent Eddie Fenech Adami. This becomes more glaring when you consider that one can argue that Pawlu is essentially Eddie without the divisive past (and a more contagious smile).

These are questions which go to the heart of the Maltese nation. Failing to come to terms with this situation leads to the muddled and confused opinions bandied about on issues like divorce. Malta is neither a 'country stuck in the Middle Ages', as some have suggested, nor is it 'a modern democracy which respects the demarcation between Church and State'. It is a nation whose predominant centre of gravity is its religion, as opposed to its culture, language or historical baggage. People like Ms Krista Henderson who write angry letters to the editor of The Times to accuse politicians of 'living on another planet' should look no further than their newspaper of choice to get a fair idea of just the sort of planet they inhabit.

Pillory

2007-01-20T04:47:00.000-08:00

Whenever Vlad the dormant blogger surfaces to impale some Times columnist on his hilarious stake, he tends to leave a small comment on Lanzarote. "I'm back" the comment says. Highly active JRZ's J'accuse (possibly Malta's most clicked-on blog) has also been used as advertising space by beginner bloggers. "We exist too" their comments shout, "come and see what we've got to say".

Fool's Cap and J'accuse, besides being our favourite blogs (in that order), have one thing in common. They're Malta's modern answer to the pillory, that quintessential medieval contraption that one can observe in several English towns and villages. Their victims? Past, present and future "pillars of Maltese society" who've been called to share their wisdom and vision with the nation through the pages of The Times de Malte.

J'accuse appears to have kicked off a small cult following by honing in on would-be Labour onorevoli and literary troubadour 'Dame' Lorna Vassallo and has launched the occassional rotten cabbage in the direction of estate agent/street philosopher Frank Salt. Travel agent-cum-chat-show-host-cum-MLP golden oldie Norman Hamilton is next in line for la methode j'accuse.

While J'accuse's use of the pillory is a bit of a side-line to his more 'constructive' approach, Vlad's at it hammer and tongs. He has cast his net further afield and in perhaps less obvious directions. A choice set of victims? Cardinal Roamer of The Sunday Times, lawyer and blue-eyed boy Austin Sammut, Member of the European Parliament David Casa, 'militant' trade-unionist Salv Sammut, professor of psycholinguistics Anthony Licari, young whippersnapping MZPN president Mathieu Cilia and MLP apparatchik Desmond Zammit (Sea of) Marmara'. After sharing their dreary opinions with the nation, these columnists have all been escorted towards Vlad's wooden device for some chucking fun. Irrespective of political affiliation, background or education.

The question is, of course, do they deserve it? Is the punishment meted out by our two masters of ridicule proportionate to their victim's crime? Lanzarote's verdict has got to be an emphatic 'Aye' for there's a subtle whiff of healthy revolutionary spirit in our two bailiffs' chosen method. Behind the ridicule lies hidden a desire for a change in mentality that rivals Alternattiva's plan to redisign the political landscape.

Let's call it an attack on the claustrophobic pomposity that sits above Malta like a thick blanket of fog. For it's a sorry state of affairs indeed when the most widely-read and respected newspaper in a country that spawned NET and SuperOne, is used as a campaign billboard for politicians and their hangers-on. You want to blow your trumpet to the middle-class while getting kudos from your political masters in the process? No problem, says The Times, just scribble away something remotely comprehensible in our pages. Remember, it says, you'll look much more credible if you do it here.

Now just imagine for a minute, if you'll bear with me, Le Monde and La Repubblica carrying opinion columns by Segolene Royal or Piero Fassino (and their merry band of supporters) week after ruddy dull week. The mere thought of it is enough to make you strangle yourself in boredom. Of course these papers have got their political slants. Nothing wrong with that. But they've got journalists and more or less impartial columnists doing the job. It's the bare-faced self-promotion and cheek a la maltaise that I can't stand. Here I am, these scribblers are saying, I want to have cake at my master's table, I want to eat it and while I'm at it, I'd really love to shove my cake recipes down your gullible little throats. In short, Malta's media has given new meaning to the term 'political journalism'.

It's bad enough that politicians and their yes-men are literally everywhere. (The last time I looked, Evarist Bartolo had a regular column in Kulhadd, The Sunday Times and MaltaToday. And is that Francis Zammit Dimech using his Sunday Times column to urge you to attend Notte Magica? Oh, it's him again! This time he's informing us that it was a cracking success! My oh my!)

So when the political elite uses the 22cents Times of Malta to scribble their mind-numbing inanities, it's time to boycot the whole sad charade or to wheel out the medieval machinery and reach for the veg.

Jarvis

2007-01-13T15:12:00.000-08:00

#1 This chap will be playing at the Ancienne Belgique on 24 Jan. We've bought tickets. Any Lux/Brux folks interested in joining in the fun?

#2 This was the week that the divorce debate picked up some steam in MLT. I spotted this in Private Eye's Classifieds the other day: REALLY STRUGGLING following divorce and supporting three children. Can't see any silver linings in foreseeable future. S/C:07-01-16. A/C:49657438. Thank you.

Ara, hi, how are you?

2007-01-12T20:35:00.000-08:00

Ma nafu xejn dwarhom. Lanqas biss nafu x’jisimhom. Is-soltu naghmlu sinjal b’rasna meta ninsertawhom ghand tal-hobz jew ghand tal-grocer. U ilna nahbtu maghhom b’dal-mod ghaxar snin. Lanqas tista’ ssejhilha nuqqas ta’ interess. Aktar qisha familjarita’ li ma ddejqekx, izda li ma twassal imkien.

Imbaghad tilmahhom f’nofs Hyde Park, istrina! Wara l-genn tal-hwienet ta’ Regent Street ghogbitna dil-liberta’ tipikament Ingliza li thallik timtedd fid-deckchair, b’saqajk fuq il-lawn, titmattar b’sens ta’ sodisfazzjon u bil-hsieb li kwazi kwazi sirt Ingliz. Imma erba’ yards il-boghod, ezatt quddiemek, mixhutin f’deckchair parigg…Trid tammetti li ma ntlejtx b’xi ferh ta’ barra minn hawn meta gharafthom. Anzi aptit m’ghandekx ghax taf li se jkollok turi imqar hjiel ta’ entuzjazmu, u li se ssibha bi tqila. Fl-istess mument jinbet f’mohhom l-istess hsieb, u ghalhekk il-gesti jsiru identici. Nistaghbgbu fl-istess hin, b’ghajnejna berah u b’halqna miftuh. Nersqu lejn xulxin b’pass li minnufih igeddeb it-taparsi ferh tal-mument ta’ qabel.

Huwa f’dan il-punt li tigi ssalvak l-iprokrisija socjali li ilha tingema’ matul is-snin. Iva, dit-tip ta’ attitudni rilassata u at ease li nafu nhaddmu f’kull sitwazzjoni. Attitudni li l-adolexxenti misthija ma tantx jikkunslaw biha, izda li hija prattika hafna meta ssir adult – sens ta’ kunfidenza fik innifsek kemmxejn tad-dahk u artificjali li tghinek tkun naturali f’sitwazzjonijiet bhal dawn.

Inpacpcu. Dwar l-Ingilterra, ovvja. Nevitaw kull hjiel ta’ diskors dwar Malta. U nparlaw fuq il-vjagg, l-avventuri biex sibna lukanda, l-ghazla bejn nehdux it-tube jew it-taxi, u l-bqija. Nistaghgbu kemm ghandna x’nghidu. Kos, bhal donnu qed ningwalawha, kif domna das-snin kollha ma nitkellmu? Ghadna ma nafux xi gran che fuq hajjithom, imma jidhru nies minn taghna u fl-entuzajazmu tal-mument ta’ min nistiednuhom niehdu drink. Avolja…jumejn biss ghandna Londra, u dawk l-affarijiet kollha li xtaqna naraw ser jisfaw fix-xejn jekk nispiccaw nitrakkaw mal-Maltin. Tghid niltaqghu Malta? Mela, hekk naghmlu…Imma insomma…lanqas li tista’ tqatta’ erba’ mitt sena tparla fuq Londra…

U thoss li huma qed jahsbuha bhalek. It-tpacpic banali tal-bidu ibatti ftit u bejn kelma u ohra jinholqu pawzi twal. Thossok vojt u c-caw, see you ta’ l-ahhar tinhass qisha liberazzjoni.

Tmint ijiem wara, ghand tal-grocer, taghmel tabirruhek li ma rajthomx.

(Philippe Delerm, Rencontre a l'etranger, mill-gabra La sieste assassinee)

2007-01-06T08:43:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again. Normal people are quite content to get over their hangovers, pledge to start afresh and make a few resolutions. Pundits, on the other hand like to round up the big issues of the past year.

But it's even more fun to predict what's going to happen in the next. The prospect of looking back, feeling smart and saying "Told you guys, I was right!" is quite enjoyable. Yesterday, for instance, I bet my good friend Giovanni (who had just turned 35) that he would hook up with a lovely lady before 2007 was out. As I poured him his third glass of kir royal (champagne and a dash of Cassis de Dijon), I challenged him to a wager on my prediction: a top bottle of bubbly. Deal done!

The editors of Lanzarote have come up with a small variation on this theme. We've selected 7 books which we hope will help our readers make sense of a handful of big events which are likely to unfold on the Maltese scene over the next year. Each event is given a likelihood rating (between 50 and 100%). Here goes!

READING THE FUTURE

EVENT: Lots more chatter about the Maltese Church's "Media-friendly Renaissance". There has been much talk of a crisis in values in Malta. Statistics show a 'significant' drop in Mass attendance and pundits concur that the Curia needs to brush up its act in order to entice the 'lost sheep' back into the fold. People have called for Mass 'to be made more appealing for young people', for sermons to address 'today's issues' and for more pop music in ceremonies. Without actually pointing any accusatory fingers at taciturn Mgr Guzeppi Mercieca, most folks have welcomed his 'friendly, approachable' successor, Mons Paul Cremona. Journalists from across the media spectrum appear to have been wowed by his 'down to earth', 'very human' and 'kind' manner. We too wish him the best of luck.
LIKELIHOOD RATING: 100%
BOOK: Gesu' Lava Piu' Bianco by Bruno Ballardini. So as the Maltese Church embarks on its new media-friendly journey, one could do worse than read Bruno Ballardini's book which shows that, far from being a novice in this field, the Roman Catholic Church is the institution which has employed some of the most effective and intrusive marketing techniques in the history of Western civilization.

EVENT: Minor skirmishes between conservatives and liberals on "the abortion clause", divorce and gay rights will continue in earnest. They will be largely drowned out by 'more pressing matters' such as getting elected. Progressive Labour will NOT commit political suicide by shouting too loudly on any of these issues. Divorce will be introduced in 2013, gay marriage in 2030.
LIKELIHOOD RATING: 80%
BOOK: Modern Liberty and the Limits of Government by Charles Fried which contains the stunning lines: "The greatest enemy of liberty has always been some vision of the good. It might be the good of community engaged for the glory of a city, nation, race, or party."

EVENT: The rise or fall of Alternattiva Demokratika. Labour would like to convince you that the country desperately needs a change, commonly known as "Il-Bidla". While honest, depressing blogposts like those of Immanuel and Arcibald are painful testimony to the current stagnation, impartial people everywhere know that the change Labour has in mind won't exactly represent a cultural revolution. The real question is therefore "Are there enough Maltese people who're fed up (and bored) with the current scenario?" To be honest, we're not really sure.
LIKELIHOOD RATING: 50%
BOOKS: The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell which explores "that magic moment when ideas, trends and social behaviours cross a threshold, tip and spread like wildfire" and Politics by Adam Thirwell which is not about politics but tells the story of a menage a trois.

EVENT: The island succumbs to Eurovision fever once again. Journalists are dispatched to Helsinki. A spot of controversy erupts over wardrobe malfunctions. Toni Sant predicts that a Russian group called Poledance Pravda singing the catchy, raunchy 'Strip Strip Baby' will be crowned winners.
LIKELIHOOD RATING: 99%
BOOK: Nul Points by Tim Moore. The blurb says it all: "The spangled inanity, the stubborn reinforcement of crude national stereotypes, the scoreboard shamelessly corrupted by cross-border frienship and hatred...throughout those long post-ABBA decades, the Eurovision Song Contest has been drawing us to the sofa for all the wrong reasons. And somewhere amongst the Austrian power balladeers, hand-jiving Latvians and Maltese electro-folkers, lurks the most gloriously wrong of all: our enduring fascination with the unfortunates left to wander the lonely, windswept summit of Mount Fiasco without a point to their names."

EVENT: Maltese bloggers become increasingly influential and determine the outcome of the next election. NET television and SuperOne close down, Lou Bondi and Peppi Azzopardi crumble beneath the weight of the competition. Avant-garde MaltaToday grudgingly acknowledges that it's not 'The Only Liberal Voice in The Village'. Restaurant critics stop calling bloggers whippersnappers (which according to The New Oxford English Dictionary is "a young and inexperienced person considered to be presumptuous or overconfident").
LIKELIHOOD RATING: 5%
BOOK: The Blog Digest 2007 - Twelve months of the best writing from the web (edited by Justin McKeating). An interesting selection of around a hundred blog articles written by some of the best bloggers in Britain on a variety of topics from War to Politics to Sport to Culture and Media.

EVENT: Salvu Balzan stops dissing Brussels and Malta's Permanent Representative RCC and is spotted frequenting some of the capital's top restaurants accompanied by...who? You guessed it - RCC. Restaurant critic I.M. Beck joins in the fun.
LIKELIHOOD RATING: depends on the weather
BOOK: Cool Restaurants Brussels (edited by Eva Raventos)

Welcome to Lanzarote!

2006-12-28T06:07:00.000-08:00

Provided the Times of Malta's books editor got it right and you enjoyed my short review of those three 'naughty' books, curiosity might have got the better of you. Thanks for visiting and welcome to my corner of the blogosphere and one of around 50 active Maltese blogs.

While TIME magazine has made a big hue and cry about the Web 2.0 internet revolution - going as far as to confer its annual Person Of The Year award to bloggers and YouTubers worldwide - blogging has, until now, received scant attention in Malta. The people you'd expect to enjoy this sort of thing - the small battalion of local media pundits - have barely acknowledged that it's happening at all. And those of them who constantly complain about the stagnation of Maltese life and politics, haven't exactly embraced the injection of new, mostly fresh (and young) new voices. This might change this year as politicians and priests have recently joined in the blogging fun, surely to be followed by a faithful, and numerous, following.

The Big Issues of 2006 have been tackled in this blog and by several of our favourite bloggers (see the list on the right). Whether it was the ugly rise of racist spiel, Christ on Malta's euro coins, the Eurovision song contest or the Gift of Life campaign, bloggers have written about it, had a crack at the usual pundits' take on things, laughed at it and fed into the raging debate. But while the rise and rise of racist talk on the net rightly got plenty of media coverage, the voices for tolerance and the campaigns by Maltese bloggers like Xifer, J'Accuse and Lanzarote got scant attention. But we predict that this will change. As Harry Vassallo's article in last Sunday's Independent shows, people might be starting to pay a bit more attention. We'll see what 2007 has in store.

A Happy New Year to you all!

Il-Milied it-Tajjeb

2006-12-26T05:40:00.000-08:00

My materialistic Christmas: 1 eurostar ticket to London (economy class), 6 nights in Hampstead, 1 Jarvis Cocker CD, 1 'Bedlam' Colour Changing Cube Clock, 1 Little Britain DVD, 1 'Need to know?' book about Wine, The Man's Book by Thomas Fink (a vade-mecum for modern-day manliness), The Essential Poker Guide (including chips and playing cards), 1 box of Lemsip Max Daytime Cold & Flu Relief, 1 Choral Matins ceremony at Hampstead Parish Church, 1 Rhyming Cockney Slang Guide, 1 'Montagne Jeunesse' Peel Off Deep Pore Cleansing Masque, 1 pack of Chimay Peres Trappistes beer (with special glass), Unashamed self indulgence and excess at Waterstone's , 9 tickets for Caroline, or Change at The National.

**********

And also:

1 Harry Vassallo article in last Sunday's Indy which might well indicate that Maltese political blogging can have an impact. This is arguably the first time bloggers have been directly 'challenged' on substance and I'm pleased to say that it's an interesting, mature debate. (More on this later, see our post 'Partit Liberali Malti', check out Fausto's blogpost and a nod in Raphael Vassallo's direction in case he's reading this).

1 short story from Pierre direct from Gozo (subsequently revoked before I had time to translate it for Anna)

1 blog post from j'accuse announcing his departure for the East Coast (We look forward to exchanging notes. After our own trip to the West Coast a couple of years ago, we're sure our freshly knighted fellow pundit will return to base with a more nuanced view of the US and A)

Vote Fredu...

2006-12-21T11:30:00.000-08:00

My oh my! What is the world coming to? I don't know about you folks but I've got the feeling that EU membership has done Labour a whole lot of good. Without pausing to admit that their scaremongering on Europe might have been a load of bollocks, they seem to have embraced Europe with open arms and wallets. In fact it seems to me that the party has never been fresher or more snazzy than it is today (at least on the surface). Gone are the days of the old anti-Europe dinosaurs and Alla hares qatt predictions. Today it's confident go-getters like MEP Joe Muscat holding forth in the glossy European Parliament magazine. It's maltastar.com with its naughty little stories about veline, dildos and Christina Aguilera's knickers. It's their budding politicians linking up to the big, interesting world of international politics. It's 'Brand Spanking New Labour' bloggers using terms like 'delectable left' and 'smart' to describe some rambling article written by a psycholinguistics professor. In short, Labour is sexing up its dreary act in its bid to lure some young votes away from Gonzi & co. Of course, you've got the odd Adrian Vassallo rant which tends to give the game away somewhat, but who's Adrian Vassallo in the grand scheme of things anyway?

I've already got visions of Labour's die-hards holding up placards saying "Vote Fredu, Get Segolene" come election time. Now that would really be something.

Times vs. Time

2006-12-17T15:49:00.000-08:00

We don't attract much media attention in the island of Malta. But we control the Information Age. Cool! I'm feeling powerful...

Partit Liberali Malti

2006-12-13T15:25:00.000-08:00

One of the lawyers was also heard saying that he was asking the questions to determine "the seriousness of this comedy".

(Matthew Xuereb, The Malta Independent, 13/12/2006)

No doubt, the cocky lawyer in question was referring to the poor police officers who, on cross-examination, admitted that they had been ordered to arrest the '35 women' for 'dancing while scantily dressed', sporting 'a thong in public' and for 'wearing shorts tighter than those of a gymnast'. Thank God they weren't men with a penchant for fluorecent bathing suits. J'accuse has taken some time off from desperatley trying to rehabilitate La Vecchia Ladrona and has also joined in the mirth.

I can see the funny side but I also think it's about time someone stood up and pointed out that the "seriousness of the comedy" lies elsewhere. Here we are in 2006 and 30 Maltese MPs from across the political divide sign the Gift of Life petition. Harry Vassallo signs it too (justifying his capitulation with a legalism) rather than telling Vincenti to go and water the turf at the Marsa sportsground. Salvu Balzan meekly says that: "The Gift of Life promoter, a certain Vincenti, has basically cornered politicians and asked them to sign his petition. It calls for the inclusion of a no abortion clause in the Constitution. By refusing to sign, it could infer that they are not against abortion. It is an unfair way of campaigning". Poor, helpless politicians, held to ransom by mighty Paul W. Vincenti! Varist Bartolo, that beacon of left-wing politics, brushes off Vincenti's crusade as a "red herring" but signs it anyway.

I prefer to see the Gift of Life phenomenon and the lapdancers saga as a beautiful experiment in converting the largely unchallenged, constant and inescapable moral discourse into brass tacks. How long can a nation put up with a waterfall of vague notions about 'moral lassitude', 'unchristian values', 'unprecedented assaults' and 'rampant relativism' before it decides to do something 'real' and 'concrete' about it? I mean what are these assaults if not decadence-related.

Forgetting the legalisms and 'thongs in public' for a moment, let's face it - there's one hell of a leap between The Sunday Times/Osservatore Romano take on life (which, to a large extent still represents 'official Malta' and which, as I have said, goes largely unchallenged) and a Hungarian bird in Victoria's Secret lingerie gyrating her pelvis in Qawra to the sound of George Michael (born Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou). If the latter isn't a prime example of 'moral lassitude', I don't know what is. And I don't mean George Michael.

What Malta needs, and hasn't had, is a truly liberal party that isn't afraid to call a spade a spade. If not we're condemned to repeating things like Salvu Balzan does from time to time: "In a country that expects to be treated like a secular European Union state, the actions of people like Paul Vincenti should be taken for what they are. They are outdated, out of synch and a throwback to the past".

But would a liberal party, a true Partit Liberali Malti, ever stand a chance at the polls? Now there lies the real question.

*****

Elle: Mais on est toujours decus. Il y en a marre d'etre decu. Les politiciens sont tous les memes.
Moi: Sur ce point, je serais d'accord avec vous si vous etiez allee plus loin en disant: "Les politiciens sont tous les memes que nous."
Elle: Comment cela?
Moi: Eh bien, ou croyez-vous que l'on deniche nos candidats, nos represantants, nos presidents, nos ministres? Sur la planete Mars? Sortent-ils d'un laboratoire specialise dans la fabrication de responsables politiques? Non. Ils sont nes, comme nous, de la fecondation d'un ovule par un spermatozoide plus ou moins desiree par deux etres humains...

(From Les Potirons de gauche et de droite sont-ils tous pourris, Charlie Hebdo, Mercredi 15 novembre 2006)

*****

Updates:

Ranier Fsadni: prefers the 'militant political centre' (i.e. the comfy status quo)
Ajjut! Ajjut! : boils it down to 'pajjiz faccjol'.
Kim Bah Lee: a lapdancing enthusiast brandishes the Taleban insult and a threat.
Gift of Life: bare their teeth and (with plenty of wind in their sails) rev it up a notch.
I.M. Beck: Gosh, he dislikes fundies.
L-orizzont: a case of purification by fire?

Gate Crashing?

2006-11-30T15:24:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure whether the Nespresso advert has made its slick, smooth way down to Melita. But it's all the rage in these parts. After George's No Martini, No Party ad, it's now rich, intense George and the coffee. Ever so sophisticated. At this stage I've got a confession to make - if I were a girl or if I 'played for the other side' (as my cousin Mark Marshall would put it), I'd definitely have a crush on George. Oh and on Johnny too.

But I digress. Nespresso might not have come to Malta. But Espresso has. We like the idea and reckon that we could spin off a couple of decent pieces for it on a fairly regular basis, say once a week. After all we had written for Cafe Babel (mmm that smell of coffee again!) a few moons back. So, in keeping with the stated philosophy of the site, we sent the espresso people a quick, snappy email called "You tossers!" and offered to scribble a couple of articles replete with "blasphemy" and to do regular reviews of the most "decadent" stuff in print. The tone of our email was in jest, of course, but we honestly would like to contribute. No email back yet. After a long, distinguished career in blog journalism, we'll probably have to humble ourselves and send in individual articles praying to God that they get published. As long as they don't delete my references to 'sex explosions', I'll be fine.

PS: Oddly enough Wired Temples hasn't covered the launch.

As a digestif check out this great spoof of the Nespresso ad, featuring Jospin, Segolene, Sarko and co. courtesy of Les Guignols de l'Info.

More Cultural Learnings...

2006-11-24T15:23:00.000-08:00

Wired Temples, that fountain of information, trivia and links attracted my attention to Malta Calling.

It was bound to happen. And now there’s a good chance that it will.

I mean a tongue-in-cheek account of present-day Malta seen through the eyes of your unsuspecting but observant foreign resident (who happens to be an established writer). Ever since Peter Mayle brought the lavender, truffles and dolcevita of Provence to a wide audience of Anglophones, I’ve often wondered why Malta’s quirks hadn’t attracted much literary attention. Forget the knights, the temples and the Maltese falcon. What I mean is the here and now, the day to day hussle and bussle, attitudes and concerns, eccentricities and idiosyncracies. The archaic editorials of local newspapers, the strange spectacle of local politics, the beauty of a summer sunset, the rude waiter and the kind librarian, the pompous politician and the snobby columnist, the potholes and the returned migrant, the linguistic muddles and misunderstandings, the claustrophobia and the worries. The odd interview with a local politician, the chance meeting with an up-and-coming popstar. Perhaps a spot of unexpected hanky-panky leading to an analysis on attitudes to sex in a predominantly Catholic country.

I’ve got a feeling that it will read like an American version of Stephen Clarke’s A Year in the Merde, which started off as a bit of a joke and ended up as an international bestseller, translated into 14 languages (including French). Incidentally the French title is God Save La France and my friend Elodie (an Amelie Poulain lookalike) is best friends with Clarke’s former lover/present girlfriend. I promise that that’s not a blague – the Elodie in the book is actually named after her.

Here’s a typical passage from A Year in the Merde in which the narrator, Paul West, is learning how to navigate his way round the ubiquitous Parisian turd.

As you walk, your subconscious scans the pavement ahead. It learns to spot the tiniest bump on the horizon, and prepares your feet to step instinctively around it. Ask a Parisian how they manage, against all odds, to keep their feet clean. They don’t know. It’s an instinct that is part of being Parisian. Those 650 people a year who go to hospital after slipping on merde – I bet they’re tourists, or provincials, or the old and infirm suffering from depleted insticts.

Other chapters include Make amour; not war and Liberté, égalité, get out of my way.

But back to Cultural Learnings of Malta for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of United States and America. This could seriously be a breakthrough for Maltese tourism and might actually surpass Michael O’Leary’s decision to bring Ryan to Francis and Evarist. If it takes off, as I hope it will, Malta could get some fantastic publicity completely gratis. Let’s just hope that we don’t get all colonially sensitive on Michael's ass. And did we forget to say that it might turn out to be a really good read, even though we're more into Clarke than Bryson. Awguri Michael! We’re looking forward.

PS: the project I mentioned in my last post is also book-related. A few ideas have been simmering nicely. You never know. Michael and Lanzarote may be trying to outdo eachother during next year's rentree litteraire.

Lapping It Up

2006-11-19T11:41:00.000-08:00

Something small in anticipation of the sociological, anthropological, religious and, quite possibly, geopolitical debate likely to surround this kinky development on the local scene. Incidentally here's an exquisite quote from Brandon Pisani's report for it-Torca: "Ikoll iddahhlu fl-awla tal-Magistrat Dennis Montebello, li zgur li din l-awla qatt ma rat daqshek sbuhija u gmiel f’kawza wahda."

PS: The editors of Lanzarote are thinking of suspending operations for a few weeks, possibly months. A small project is in the pipeline. Take care!

2006-11-18T04:50:00.000-08:00

LANZAROTE EXCLUSIVE: Authors outnumber readers in remarkable island.

There's no doubt about it. As people are wont to tell you in these parts, Malta is a unique place. But nobody thought that the Mediterranean outpost would actually become the first country in the world which - barring compulsory textbooks - boasts more authors scribbling away their opuses than readers pouring over these literary gems. Nonetheless, the atmosphere was jovial and upbeat at yesterday's National Book Awards. Nobody was injured by the heaving crowd as it surged forward in its insatiable hunt for autographs. More importantly, any hint of debate about the actual content of the numerous nominated works was, as they also say in these parts, 'conspicuous by its absence' while the controversy which surrounds events such as the Prix Goncourt or The Booker was healthily kept at bay in a spirit of solidarity. Book Council chairman Gorg Mallia would only limit himself to confessing to the assembled hacks that "we need to weed out the ones that are not good, or at least help them become better" adding, somewhat apocalyptically, "At the moment it's a bit of a jungle out there. You do get some excellent works, but then there are some publications, which, for example, lack in illustrations."

Lanzarote did manage to get a quick comment from young author and translator Pierre J. Mejlak who clinched the top gong in the 'Translations of Books for Children and Adolescents' category. "Narakom Brussell u ixtruli birra mill-Porte Noire" he said as our paparazzi circled round the handsome writer and his mysterious companion like famished vultures.

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UNDERRATED BLOG AWARDS

In another 'prize-day' development, Lanzarote has nominated itself (without any hint of irony) as 'Most Underrated Blog in the Glorious Maltese Blogosphere'. The second prize was awarded to Fool's Cap while Malta , 9 Thermidor scooped up the bronze medal. None of these brilliant individuals were available for comment.

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All Together Now

2006-11-14T10:41:00.000-08:00

It's hard going for the middle-aged person known as Mrs European Union. Creeping rather uncomfortably but altogether successfully towards the big five-O, occasionally unloved and often criticised, the poor soul even gets plenty of flak when she decides to throw a little celebratory get-together to mark the big event. Some would say that she's bound to be saddled with her odd identity crisis and that adulthood, maturity and old-age will do nothing to rid her of this complicated psychological condition. Others argue that her multiple-personality disorder is actually a strength as long as Mrs EU learns to take it with a few pinches of salt. And drink to it by raising a nice cup of Earl Grey. Or an elegant glass of Beaujolais Nouveau. Or a can of Cisk Lager.

References:

Jean Quatremer's blog on Liberation

The UK Times

Cultural Learnings of La France...

2006-11-12T07:17:00.000-08:00

You'll forgive me for lingering on the Borat subject but I came across this clip on YouTube and thought I'd share it with you. Borat is invited on one of the famous plateaux, the very French-style talk-shows which one can follow on TF1, France 2, Canal + and other channels.

More Bondi+ than Xarabank in terms of raffinatezza, they generally star a 'clever', charismatic and influential presenter in the lead role but with a mixed bag of guests: authors, journalists, actresses, politicians and the occasional pornstar or glamour-model to spice things up and increase the audimat or viewership.

For anyone whose knowledge of France goes beyond the 'Paris is such a romantic city' cliche, this clip is a pure gem which highlights the genius of the Borat creation. Lovers of European comparative humour (ultimately the very soul of a nation) and connoisseurs of La Republique will have a ball.

I expect my good Breton friend Tom who knows Malta well, works for Les Inrocks and is, unbelievably, a great fan of this blog, to give me his take on Borat's brush with Denisot and Laurence the weather girl...

Degustez bien!

PUBLIO!

2006-11-09T01:30:00.000-08:00

Publio: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Malta!

Respect for national anthem

Publio Agius, mayor, Floriana.

The Floriana local council together with the National Festivities Committee organised an activity on Wednesday, October 18, to commemorate Dun Karm Psaila, the National Poet, near his monument in Floriana.

A group of students from Floriana Primary School took part in the event, accompanied by their teachers and heads of the school, and in the presence of the Minister for Tourism and Culture as well as representatives from the council and committee. The students read some poems written by Dun Karm and laid flowers at the foot of the monument as a symbol of respect and gratitude. I was very impressed by the children's behaviour during the commemoration, particularly during the singing of the National Anthem.

This showed the commitment by their teachers in instilling patriotic sentiments in them as well as love for their national identity. These students were worthy of representing the schoolchildren of Malta and Gozo.

At the end of the activity all students participating in the event were offered a Happy Meal sponsored by McDonalds.

(Times of Malta, 9/11/2006)

BORAT!

2006-11-07T15:24:00.000-08:00

*****
Borat - Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

Beautiful! A masterpiece!

Indlela ilungile (The Road is Good)

2006-11-07T08:05:00.000-08:00

As the multicoloured South African Airways jumbo taxis along the runway at Heathrow's Terminal 1, the night sky is set alight by flashes of purple, green, white and orange. Four thousand feet above London, Anna remembers that it must be Divali, the Indian festival of light...

The stars shine brightly over the beautiful black emptiness of the Algerian desert and Mali...

Sunrise over the coast of Angola...

I'm listening to Miles Davis' Seven Steps to Heaven as we fly over the sun-drenched Namibian coast, we'll soon catch a glimpse of Table Mountain...

We pick up our car at Cape Town's small international airport. The staff are warm and helpful. "Lock your doors and you'll have a great time" says the woman at the counter before handing us the keys...

I'm tired but excited as we drive onto the highway towards Cape Town. The plateau of Table Mountain appears in the distance, the townships sprawl endlessly either side of the motorway, two massive powerstation chimneys on the right, the skyscapers of downtown Cape Town to the left. Groups of men and boys walk along the busy highway. The car radio gives us our first taste of Afrikaans and Xhosa...

Cape Town is deserted when we arrive. It's Sunday. We're looking for New Church Street but end up in Church Street. A tall, friendly priest helps us out and we make our way to The Backpack. Exhausted we crash out and wake up four hours later happy to take in the warmth and colours of an African spring afternoon...

And over the next two weeks we meet smiling, happy people, read about the HIV/Aids tragedy and shocking crime rate and poverty, share the landscape with kudus and proteas, quiver trees and halfmensch, jackass penguins, zebras and vervet monkeys, guinea fowl and black-backed jackals, baobab trees and springbok, friendly elephants and dangerous buffalos, meerkats and the funny warthogs (known as Catholics because they kneel down while grazing). We drive through the desolate Karoo, run on the beach at Plettenberg Bay, taste south african pinotage and merlot, try the excellent Cape Malay bobotie in the village of Uniondale in a restaurant called Zeru, rest in friendly B&Bs which serve sumptuous breakfasts, share the Cango caves with a bus-load of middle-aged German tourists, cook our own braai on the edge of the ocean at Storm's River, kayak with the mating and frolicking south right whales in Hermanus and visit the District Six apartheid museum in Cape Town. At the Tsitsikamma national park I am considered Italian because 'our system doesn't recognise Malta'. We drive to the Cape of Good Hope where we meet our own Nelson Mandela painting road signs. At Stellenbosch we spend an hour discussing South African music and Europe with the white owner of the small shop who comes from KwaZulu Natal. We're enchanted by the gospel voices of Ladysmith Black Mambazo and discover wonderful Freshlyground. While we're in Cape Town we hear of the tragic death of the beautiful singer Lebo Mathosa at the age of 29. At Oudtshoorn we learn of the passing away of apartheid leader PW Botha at the age of 80.

We wake up singing every morning, the beautiful open spaces, smiling people and long, never-ending roads giving us a complete sense of freedom and happiness.

At the airport, a porter with kind eyes helps us with our bags. We thank him and give him the usual 20 rands. We wonder where we can dispose of a dress and two t-shirts which didn't fit in our bulging backpacks and he accepts them happily - for his daughter or wife, we think. Anna offers him a Halls pastile which he accepts with another smile but puts it in his pocket. Anna is sure he's saving it for his son.

(B)rand Where?

2006-10-24T01:51:00.000-07:00

Where can you drink Stoney Ginger Beer?
Where can you watch the Orlando Pirates take on SuperSport United?
Where can you watch whales making love?
Where can you admire sugar birds, giant proteas and jackass penguins?
Where can you stand on the tip of the Cabo de Boa Esperanca?

The friendly passport control chap at the airport laughed when he heard his female colleague read out 'Malta' when she examined my passport. And in that cool accent he said, "Press K and read out the results, tell us how many!". "72" was the answer but we haven't figured out exactly what that stat refers to. Wired Temples please note!

Goeimore, Lotsha, Thobela, Dumela, Sanibonani, Avusheni, Ndi matseloni, Molo, Sawubona!

PS: The Lino Briguglio incident reminds us of the opening gambits of Philip Roth's The Human Stain, sans social fallout for the learned professor and (we imagine) devoid of any sex scenes with illeterate university janitors.

Malta-Magyaroszag 2-1

2006-10-12T02:12:00.000-07:00

Malta - Magyaroszag 2-1

Bi zball u b'kumbinazzjoni spiccajna hawn

It's Raining Men

2006-10-09T11:15:00.000-07:00

With a couple of hours to spare in Stockholm's Bromma Airport, I decided to spend 75 kronor on style-culture-fashion-sex mag GQ. Now this is to a large extent a crazy thing to do since the men's magazine works on the principle of 10 Dolce e Gabbana adverts per page of writing. And the pouting models glowering at you from page after glossy page are enough to drive you nuts and back. But this month's edition looked promising with Sacha Baron Cohen (aka Borat Sagdijev), Ricky (David Brent) Gervais and Jonathan (Wossy) Ross substituting the trademark tanned, lip-gloss model. Borat, Brent and Woss rubbed shoulders with the likes of John Terry, Rod ('I have Ferraris coming out of my bum') Stewart, Russell ('I shagged 2000 women') Brand, Jamie Oliver, John Galliano, Will Self and Jeremy Clarkson. Even David (I'm actually Tony) Cameron makes a muted appearance in GQ's annual The Men of The Year Awards. A nation that's got its priorities right I thought: 2 comedians, a couple of musicians, a designer, a chef, 2 politically incorrect TV presenters and, well, one forlorn politician thrown in for good measure.

Since I was by now literally surrounded by beauty (the gorgeous Swedes swanning around the airport lounge conspiring magnificently with the pouting GQ models), I decided to create something wonderful myself.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Malta's First Maltese Men of The Year Awards.

The Winners

WRITER
Guze' Stagno

You've got to respect a guy who lives off the cool image fame brought about by two thin novels like some latter-day Truman Capote . And you've got to love a country that lets him get away with it.

CLERGYMAN
Archbishop Guzeppi Mercieca

It's not every day that the Maltese Nationalist Party finds itself to be in less than perfect harmony with something the Church has to say. So parting with this tradition requires something special, perhaps even verging on the unbelievable. Step up Guzeppi Mercieca, patron saint of aggressive career women.

POLITICIAN
Alfred (Alfressant) Sant

The marathon runner of European politics, Alfred Sant is, quite simply, still there. After 10 years in government, Sweden's Goran Persson announced that he would resign as party leader the day his party lost the elections. Tony Blair's winning run for UK Labour meant that the Tory party has elected FOUR leaders over the part ten years. Alfred Sant, on the other hand, is a living testimony to perseverance in the face of defeat, dogged determination, clan-driven agendas, allergy to change and the serious lack of alternatives in Maltese politics.

HIGH-PROFILE LOCAL BUSINESSMAN
Charles (Caqnu) Polidano

Imagine buidling an empire (in the footsteps of Ghengis Khan and Alexander the Great) and being remembered for slapping a lawyer-journalist in the face 'just because' she called you a 'baron'. Nominated for the Milan Kundera "Life is Absurd/Immortality" Prize.

EDITOR
Saviour (Angry) Balzan

Lanzarote has a bit of a soft spot for the enfant terrible of local journalism who seems to be incazzato at everything under the sun. But yet another weekly? He'll soon be saying "I've got newspapers coming out of my bum".

TABLOID JOURNALISTS
The editors of maltastar.com

After editor Joseph Muscat jetted off to Brussels to transform himself into a European gentleman, Eurosceptic maltastar was left in the lurch until someone down at Mile End presumably decided that the MLP needed some sexing up. No doubt to convince us that the guys down at the Glass House are really really progressive. What we got is a first for Malta (and possible for the world): a heady, and at times funny, mix of red partisan politics and yellow G-strings. Rock on!

SINGER
Fabrizio Faniello

After his crushing defeat at this year's ESC, the handsome singer might prove to be the unwitting hero of a cultural revolution in the formerly Eurovision-mad nation. Will anyone give a toss anymore?

TOURISM AWARD
Francis Zammit Dimech, Evarist Bartolo and RyanAir's Michael O'Leary

These three men are expected to fight out a vicious battle over the coming years in their bid to claim Malta's top tourism prize. Expect a lot of arguing, acres of column inches and finger-pointing from the first two and tonnes of ruthless common sense from the latter. But the jury's still out on this one so we've decided to nominate the lot. You, the readers, will decide.

COLUMNIST
Daphne Caruana Galizia

People say that you either love her or you hate her. Lanzarote's got mixed feelings. But everyone agrees that this woman of verve and intelligence 'has got balls'. So Lanzarote is giving Malta's Madame de Pompadour this year's top gong although we'd like to know whether DCG likes anything at all about the country she lives in. Until she decides to set up shop on mainland Europe, we suspect that it will remain a mystery.

Paulo Roberto Falcao

2006-10-05T05:14:00.000-07:00

Falcao vede una Roma tricolore

Il brasiliano, ex regista dello scudetto 82-83, è ottimista: "Come individualità l'Inter ha qualcosa in più, ma nel corso di una stagione la Roma farà emergere le sue qualità"

A proposito di Calciocaos l'ex n.5 della Roma afferma: "Provo quasi dolore nel parlarne perchè mi riapre vecchie ferite. Torno indietro con la memoria e ripenso a quel famoso gol di Turone annullato contro la Juventus e penso che ciò che ai nostri tempi era sospetto, oggi è realtà, supportata da prove certe".

(source, La Gazzetta dello Sport)

As luck would have it, Lanzarote will be visiting the land of Roma's legendary Swedish coach Nils Liedholm in a couple of hours. No football, unfortunately, and not much time for sightseeing either. Just Work. Travail. Trabajo. Xoghol. Arbeit. As Celentano would put it "chi non lavora, non fa l'amore!" Mah!

[Another post dedicated to my friend Chris Soler whose 'far-fetched' suspicions about the most unlikely things have an uncanny habit of coming true.]

Paris, Je T'Aime

2006-10-02T02:55:00.000-07:00

Can a film make you happy? Yes, it can. More on this later. For now I'll just let it slip that this film is very Mejlakesque!

La vraie pollution c'est votre style de vie

2006-09-27T03:26:00.000-07:00

"La vraie pollution c'est votre style de vie"

(Graffiti spotted next to Place Fernand Coq, Brussels)

Newspaper articles and blogs often compare life in Malta to life on the continent. 'Here' or 'there' (depending on where you're standing), politics is done differently, travel is easier and cheaper, 'mentalities' aren't the same. The word 'liberty' as opposed to 'libertarian' comes to mind, although these two concepts often converge, overlap or become confused. Recently 'Europe' was once again described as "marida moralment u spiritwalment" (morally and spiritually sick) by the top Church authorities in the land of honey. I often wonder what they have in mind exactly when they diagnose this sickness. Ok, you've got the usual evils trotted out to prove the point - divorce, cohabitation, abortion and homosexual relationships. But what about the less obvious stuff like erotic literature? One would imagine that this would tally with this blueprint of "l-ghadu ta’ zmienna" (the enemy of our time) which takes on the form of "l-ideat, l-imgibiet, l-istili ta’ hajja li jwarrbu apposta lil Alla fil-genb" (ideas, behaviour and lifestyles which intentionally banish God to the sidelines)? And now for the real question: has Malta created enough erotic literature to fill a small collection which could be published? I doubt there's that much material. I can think of Albert Marshall's phallically illustrated Diaspora, some Victor Fenech and Maria Grech Ganado poems and that's it. In Immanuel Mifsud's literature, sex is associated with a traumatic experience (and I think he was intentionally making a point here). I stand to be corrected, of course. But if I'm right, examining why there isn't any frank, confident and guilt-free erotica in Malta might reveal more than we expect about the nation.

Back to the Middle Ages (at least the beer's good)

2006-09-17T12:09:00.000-07:00

This has been quite a medieval weekend, in keeping with recent developments on the Huntington front. After all, it's not every day that 'our' Pope is accused by a top Muslim politician (Salih Kapusuz, deputy leader of Turkey's ruling AKP party) of having " una mentalita' oscurantista che viene dai tempi bui del Medio Evo". What's going on here? Isn't Islam meant to be the backward religion? And isn't secularism meant to be the terrible scourge of our times?

In Gent, I finally got to taste what is reputed to be the best beer in the world - the strong and aromatic Westvleteren which is brewed in the St. Sixtus Trappist Monastery in the North of Belgium. Later that evening, at my friend Steve 'Samba' Verhulst's flat, I spotted Amin Maalouf's Les croisades vues par les Arabes which starts with this quote from Saladin:

Regardez les Franj*! Voyez avec quel acharnement ils se battent pour leur religion, alors que nous, les musulmans, nous ne montrons aucune ardeur a mener la guerre sainte.

* A term used in the Arab world to denote the Francs and used more generally to denote Westerners.

If it weren't so late, I'd be tempted to pick up The Name of the Rose from the DVD shop down the road. That would round things off nicely.

A presto!

Books and Popes

2006-09-16T08:58:00.000-07:00

Brussels woke up in a summer haze this morning. The smell of water particles in the air is a pleasant one. People go about their shopping, stroll along, show off their latest shoes and skirts, sit down for a long chat in one of the many cafes between Place Chatelain and Place Stephanie. Nothing lofty or spiritual - just a normal city offering its inhabitants the little pleasures of life. In the Libreria Roma, they dip into books and magazines. A woman discusses the latest Marc Levy novel with the owner. I ask whether they've got any books by Dantec on sale. I've never read anything by Dantec but my former flatmate Thibault who was a bit of a mad scientist had recommended him to me. Yesterday after enjoying the St.Gery open air party with a darkly moody PJM, I watched an interview with the scruffy, badly-shaven author (Dantec not PJM) and thought I'd delve into his world. But any book which is as thick as a Bible generally puts me off. So I postponed my close encounter with Maurice G. Talking of Holy Books, finally we might all start to see the light after Benedict XVI's big slip. Religion is very very dangerous territory - dialogue is necessarily limited to a minimum. And the distinction between 'moderates' and 'hotheads' in matters of faith can become terribly blurred when there's a perceived attack on 'fundamentals' from outside. If Allah or Jesus is the only way, dialogue becomes painfully difficult beyond the 'we are all sons of Abraham' mantra. For what is real faith if not absolutism, conversion, universalism. I'm curious to see how Ranier Fsadni will react to the latest earthquake. No doubt, he won't say anything too Fallaciesque. But what about Roamer? So instead of Dantec, I bought a copy of Jesus lave plus blanc which praises the Catholic Church for actually inventing marketing. It's by Bruno Ballardini. On the film front, I kept sleeping in front of the absurd and quintessentially Belgian road-movie Aaltra (which is excellent) and I had a pleasant solitary trip to the UGC on Toison d'Or to watch Les Particules Elementaires (which I thought worked well in German). Franka Potente and Moritz Bleibtreu who were both excellent in Run, Lola, Run star in this adaptation of MH's novel Atomised. On the music front, my collection needed some replenishment so I picked Primal Scream's latest album and Nouvelle Vague's Bande a Part. They'll accopmany me on my trip to Gent tonight. And by the way, who is JJ Zammit?

Prima spiaggia (a meno 16 gradi)

2006-09-09T09:21:00.000-07:00

29'****** PAREGGIA IL RIMINI! RICCHIUTI! ******

Football's back. Angelo, the man with a passion for all things calcio, should be happy. And what a pleasant rentree it's been too. Giuventus, the team which Lanzarote wrote an almost prophetic piece about before the calciopoli floodgates came crashing down, got off to a slow start in what the Italians call il campionato cadetto. Actually, La Repubblica described Giuve's disappointing (but historic) debut against seaside resort team Rimini as "un Flop", using the original English word in that endearing Italian manner: lo smoking, il night club, la showgirl. And il flop. Great! To make things even better it seems that the 'victimised' Giuve players and staff, having been stripped of their ill-gotten scudetto, have taken to wearing the tricolore on specially designed sweatbands. You can't blame them for their little act of defiance - their gruelling task to regain their long-lost credibility is bound to make them perspire profusely. At 18hrs the real league kicked off and the giallorossi got off to a good start with a convincing 2-0 win over Livorno. Totti's little tot Christian was carried by his dad into the warm stadio Olimpico before the game. A good start then.

Kan't Travel

2006-09-07T02:14:00.000-07:00

Over the next few months the caged Maltese population will slowly but surely be let out of its captivity and isolation thanks to the advent of the Low Cost Revolution, which is being seen in some quarters as primarily an educational experience for the confined populace. Which it probably will be, to an extent. Reliable sources have informed us that Ryanair's 'outspoken' Michael O'Leary may soon be appointed Malta's new Education Minister. Louis Galea, move over.

As the revolution kicks off, it's worth contemplating the life of a great, if slightly boring, philosopher who came up with some rigid ideas, the most notable of which being the "Categorical Imperative" - "act only on that maxim through which you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law." Maybe that's what a life of being rooted to the same few square miles does to you. Who knows?

He died in Konigsburg on February 12, 1804 near the end of his 80th year. Little more than five feet tall, deformed in his right shoulder, his chest almost concave, Kant had a weak constitution. He never married, and followed an unchanging program of activities from youth to old age. For example, he never failed to rise at 5 o'clock, studied for 2 hours, lectured for 2 more, and spent the rest of the morning at his desk. He dined at a restaurant and spent the afternoon in conversation with friends. He then walked for about an hour -- a walk which for years followed exactly the same course, studied for 2 hours more, and retired between 9 and 10. He was a prolific reader, especially in history, science, travel, and philosophy. He knew English history and literature intimately, especially in the period of Queen Anne. He read little of Goethe or Schiller, but often re-read Voltaire and Rousseau. He had little interest in nature, and in 80 years never traveled more than 40 miles from his native Konigsburg.

Census

2006-09-05T15:53:00.000-07:00

Qu'une religion nouvelle puisse naitre en Occident etait deja en soi une surprise, tant l'histoire europeenne des trente dernieres annees avait ete marque par l'effondrement massif, d'une rapidite stupefiante, des croyances religieuses traditionnelles. Dans des pays comme l'Espagne, la Pologne, l'Irlande, une foi catholique profonde, unanime, massive strucurait la vie sociale et l'ensemble des comportements depuis des siecles, elle determinait la morale comme les relations familiales, conditionnait l'ensemble des productions culturelles et artistiques, des hierarchies sociales, des conventions, des regles de vie. En l'espace de quelques annees, en moins d'une generation, en un temps incroyablement bref, tout cela avait disparu, s'etait evapore dans le neant. Dans ces pays aujourd'hui plus personne ne croyait en Dieu, n'en tenait la moindre compte, ne se souvenait meme d'avoir cru; et cela s'etait fait sans difficulte, sans conflit, sans violence ni protestation d'aucune sorte, sans meme une discussion veritable, aussi aisement qu'un objet lourd, un temps maintenu par une entrave exterieure, revient des qu'on le lache a sa position d'equilibre. Les croyances spirituelles humaines etaient peut-etre loin d'etre ce bloc massif, solide, irrefutable qu'on se represente habituellement; elles etaient peut-etre au contraire ce qu'il y avait en l'homme de plus fugace, de plus fragile, de plus prompt a naitre et a mourir.

Ego

2006-08-30T09:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, only sometimes, don't you wish that all the writers, bloggers, musicians, letter-writers, columnists, pundits, poets, actors, singers, journalists, film makers (and that guy standing on his box in Hyde Park) would put their freedom of expression where the sun never shines and shut up for a day, a week, a month? Would the world be too boring? Would people die if they didn't feel they were being creative for a few days? Would the silence be so unbearable?

Welcome to Rainy Belgium

2006-08-30T06:36:00.000-07:00

An on-line questionnaire currently open in Belgium's Le Soir:

Quel est votre remède contre la pluie? 4661 votes
Le rire 32.7% / 1523
L'antidépresseur 4.1% / 192
Les bottes 17.2% / 803
La Costa del Sol 10.6% / 495
Un bon grog 6.5% / 303
Je n'en ai pas 28.9% / 1345

Bah! Humbug!

Maltese Vertigo

2006-08-27T06:50:00.000-07:00

A Hungarian friend of mine is on a 9-day holiday in Malta with his girlfriend. Two days into his trip he sent me this sms: "This is the balance so far - great buildings, perfect setting, excellent weather, extremely nice people, low prices and crap drivers. I'm loving it!". I texted him back two days later to discover whether any Maltese brand managers had spoilt his stay. Apparently they hadn't: "Excellent! After 4 days intensive sightseeing we're now off to Gozo for a few days of relaxation and scuba diving. Will search for a nice farmhouse to stay." And after another probing sms from my side, I got this reply from Andras and Zsuzsa today: "Still staying in lovely Xlendi, been scuba diving around Gozo all day. Fabulous restaurants, La Dolce Vita in St. Julians is no. 1 so far, we'll try Ta' Frenc tonight."

Last Friday some Maltese friends met up just off Place Saint Gery. Some of them had spent a few weeks on the island over the summer hols. The stories they told were dire - four days into a three-week stay the place became unbearable. The trigger was either a general feeling of claustrophobia or an unpleasant remark from some fellow countryman (in this case the offending phrase was "Jaqaw int l*** Malti bl-identity card Ghawdxija?"). Other complaints included the stuff showing on TV, the sheer number of cars on the roads and the feeling that the place is turning into one big building site. Conclusion: one week in that place is more than enough.

My Hungarian friend's experience is far from unique. Over the past 15 years or so, not one of my foreign friends has disliked Malta. Most of them loved it and returned. But the general feeling of malaise experienced by Maltese people themselves seems to be spiralling out of control (and filling inches of column-space in the local press).

More than genuine constructive reactions to the 'Brand Malta' concept, the attacks on it from all quarters appear to be a collective expression of pent-up frustration. With what? Good question. I just have a feeling that the usual suspects - the politicians - don't have much to do with it.

Literary Criticism, III

2006-08-24T07:23:00.000-07:00

Democracy is precious...

V for Vendetta or V for Vassallo?

(a small literary/cinematic addition to j'accuse and neebother's telepathic blogposts)

Whether this should be called outright electorate illiteracy or "democratic illiteracy" has yet to be resolved. However, it could also be called "an order of preferences designed for the selection of candidates having their name starting with letters found in the first half of the alphabet - Lorna Vassallo, Times of Malta, 24/8/2006

Small Nations' Games

2006-08-20T16:27:00.000-07:00

In its Insolites (Weird Facts) page, this week's Courrier International carried this snippet from Spain's El Pais newspaper:

Where the hell am I?

The principality of Andorra welcomed its first illegal immigrants, five of the Eritreans who were saved by the fishing vessel Francisco y Catalina off the Maltese coast. The men asked the local authorities for a map in order to figure out which part of the world they had found themselves in.

Literary Criticism, II

2006-08-16T13:22:00.000-07:00

Lanzarote brings you the second edition of Literary Criticism, a look at current Maltese goings-on through the simultaneous comparison of newspaper articles and cinematic gems.

Driven up the wall (2006), The Times of Malta editorial, opening lines

Few experiences would rate as high on the scale of exasperation as being stuck in a traffic jam. Who has not lived through the aggravation of inhaling exhaust fumes and being forced to jockey for position as the more aggressive drivers dangerously skip the queues? Yet, one would expect that, thanks to its small size and limited distances, drivers in Malta would be largely spared this nuisance.

Falling Down (1993), Joel Schumacher, opening scene

Falling Down is about a man who goes insane on a hot day summer day in Los Angeles. It is also a caricature of America in the 1990s, with its racial, social and economic problems. It is a portrait of middle class society, its angst and neurotic behavior. Bill (Michael Douglas) is the ordinary white collar middle class guy. Stuck in a traffic jam, he first tries to stay cool, but slowly becomes nervous. Noisy children in a bus, a man yelling into his cell-phone, a defunct air conditioner, a disturbing fly buzzing around his head. He starts fighting the fly with his newspaper. After a panic attack, he opens the door of his car and steps out. D-FENS needs a break and some fresh air.

Links: Literary Criticism, I (Shabby Malta vs. Lars Von Trier's masterpiece Dogville)

Le Var

2006-08-14T05:50:00.000-07:00

It's grey and rainy again in Brussels. On my way to see the flower carpet on the Grand'Place, I spotted David Casa (MEP) looking rather dapper and sporting a bright green sweater and smile. Just off Place St. Catherine I discovered a contemporary art studio which had an installation called Bipolar Perversion in the window: a giant brown stuffed teddy bear stood dangerously behind a stuffed polar bear. The teddy bear looked distinctly happier than the polar bear which had a worried look on its face. Not far from the Bourse I almost got sprayed by a merry group of SDF (sans domicile fixe - i.e. tramps) who were mucking about with a bottle of champagne. A few hundred steps away, a strange force pulled me into the Librairie St. Honore' (Livres Neufs a Prix Reduits) and I left with a book called Le terrorisime intellectuel and a novel called Les 20 000 Femmes de la vie d'un homme. Self explanatory titles I guess. By the time I approached the Grand'Place, it was raining tropically so I was forced to pop in to the nearest souvenir shop to buy yet another umbrella. On my way to the till, I passed by shelf after shelf of Mannekin Pis mugs and plates. The tiny, flimsy umbrella is overpriced but it does have BELGIUM written in orange on a black background. The flower carpet was getting soggy and a string of anoraked tourists stood round the perimeter fence taking photos, looking downcast or silly. It was time to leave. But I just love this place. Tonight we should be in Bargemon.

Tourism: Getting priorities right?

2006-08-12T09:08:00.000-07:00

When the new gurus down at the MTA came up with the Brand Malta concept, I sensed that it would provoke two reactions in the Maltese public:

a) people wouldn't like it (I can understand that - we're not Nike for God's sake) and
b) they would inundate the letters pages and opinion columns with their complaints on anything under the sun. The usual suspects - potholes, dirt, 'vulture' cabbies, 'foul mouthed' bus drivers and so on - are now joined by a motley crew of stubborn tal-karozzin who refuse to dress up as peasants, flip-flop wearing receptionists and uncomfortable pillows.

I've collected a selection of rants from angry, disappointed citizens and columnists.

My heart aches when I see a street in Valencia with several travel agencies and not a single poster or advert on Malta/ (Charles G. Vella, Sliema)

The person who opened the locked hotel doors at 2 a.m. was wearing flip flops, a creased shirt and shorts. The hotel room looked shabby with uncomfortable pillows and peeling paint/ (Marcel Ellis, Suffolk)

How do you persuade the horse cab driver (tal-karozzin) that there is more gusto if he wears a uniform in the style of a traditional Maltese peasant?/ (Alfred Mifsud in his Friday Wiseguy column)

What remains that makes Malta different are two important strengths; the fact that the majority of us speak English and that we have.../ (Kenneth Zammit Tabona)

The same MTA (who never heard the point of view of Joe Citizen), now expects that Joe Citizen would toe the line according to this ambitious project/ (Philip Pace, Sliema)

The tourism ship is sinking, passengers and crew are all clinging to the lifeboats hoping for a miracle, while the minister and his circle of musicians carry on with their joyful tunes on the tilted deck/ (David Fenech, Mellieha)

The MLP's plan is not based on vague promises on fixing one or two irritants, much less on rocket science schemes to boost tourism, but on an obsessive commitment to get things done with the participation of all those who are clamouring for change and proper leadership in this industry/ (Evarist Bartolo)

Daphne, of course, has simply said we're a crap, working-class destination that nobody in his right mind would want to visit.

Then there's the eternal chicken-and-egg debate about product and marketing. Which comes first? The egg? No! The chicken! No! The egg!

Of course things could be better. But all this ranting is getting a bit over the top, don't you think? Do we really think that cleaning up the place, doing up the roads and making sure the bus drivers are polite will do the trick? I'm not sure. When I book a holiday abroad, I don't check out a list of places with the cleanest streets, the smoothest roads and the most polite taxi drivers. After all Paris is full of dog poo (and uncomfortable pillows), Belgium has its fair share of rude service providers, Rome's pick-pockets are notorious, Dublin is way over-priced, a recent study found 3000 types of germs on a single tube seat in London's underground, Iceland's drivers roar past you in Mad Max vehicles on dirt-track roads, you're woken up by the muezzin at 430am in Istanbul and I got horrible food poisoning in Cyprus. So what? I never wrote to the Cypriot tourist office threatening to boycott their mediocre island. Oh, and I know people who've spent a week sitting on the loo in a hotel in Cancun.

I think Malta is just Malta. Unlike Ibiza, Iceland, Sicily, Morocco, the Greek islands and much of Eastern Europe we simply don't have an automatic image attached to us, an image which does its own advertising. Some of these places have built up that image more or less intentionally and fairly recently (Ibiza encouraged the party island tag), others have been captured in literature or film. Only one of my friends knew about Hagar Qim temples before I mentioned them - and he's the type of guy who spends his holidays visiting medieval castles. Which does not mean that we don't have lots to offer. My friends love all the quirky stuff and want to come back. One Hungarian friend simply loves saying the word Bugibba, reading The Times of Malta, the buses and the smallness of the place.

Why doesn't everyone just buy a copy of Molvania - A Land Untouched by Modern Dentistry (Jetlag Travel) and chill out a bit? While you're at it, make sure you check out Elektronik Supersonik - Molvania's Eurovision song entry.

In the meantime, roving Maltaphile and blogger Kim Bah Lee is reporting on the tourism situation as it unfolds 'on the ground'. Over to you Matt. It's looking positive isn't it?

Il-Kuncert Invisibbli - 10/8/06

2006-08-10T10:27:00.000-07:00

Le Concert Invisible

2006-08-03T05:26:00.000-07:00

From Brussels to Valletta

10 a.m. - 1 p.m.

10th - 14th August

Literary Criticism

2006-07-28T05:39:00.000-07:00

Lanzarote Exclusive: we have revealed the true identity of the editor of the Times of Malta. It must be John Hurt, the exquisite voice of Narrator in Lars von Trier's Dogville and Manderlay. The tell-tale clues are in italics for your purusal :-)

The opening lines of Dogville:

Narrator: This is the sad tale of the township of Dogville. Dogville was in the Rocky Mountains in the US of A, up here where the road came to its definitive end, near the entrance to the old abandoned silver mine. The residents of Dogville were good honest folks, and they liked their township. And while a sentimental soul from the East Coast had once dubbed their main street Elm Street, though no elm had ever cast its shadow in Dogville, they saw no reason to change anything. Most of the buildings were pretty wretched, more like shacks, frankly. The house in which Tom lived was the best, though, and in good times, might almost have passed for presentable. That afternoon, the radio was playing softly, for in his dotage, Thomas Edison senior had developed a weakness for music of the lighter kind.

The opening paragraphs of the Times Editorial (28/7/2006):

At the time of the Commonwealth heads of government meeting in Malta eight months ago, most public places in and around Valletta and Floriana, and routes leading to their hotel in Golden Bay and to sites to which delegates were being taken, looked at their best.

Gangs of workers were constantly seen cleaning up streets and ensuring that everything was in place. Signposts twisted beyond recognition were put right or replaced, rubbish that had collected in corners removed, broken kerbs seen to, new plants planted and the odd splash of paint given here and there to make the official routes look spanking clean. Pass through some of the same routes again today and see the difference.

Yes, Castille Place, in Valletta, is still being kept nice and clean and attractive, even though the auberge railing badly needs a lick of paint. (Whose bright idea is the plan to turn Castille Place into an open space?). And so is the area surrounding the War Memorial, up to Blata l-Bajda and a bit beyond. But then move on, and the farther up you go, to the same routes which the CHOGM delegates had passed through, the scene gradually metamorphoses into one of neglect, except for the stretch of new road.

Homer's Column

2006-07-22T06:27:00.000-07:00

Spoofs are Beck

A few weeks ago Lanzarote had promised its loyal readers that it would carry occasional spoofs - the idea was to target all sorts of Maltese media pundits. Piles of work, travel and the World Cup conspired to halt that idea in its tracks. We now note with horror and shame that J'accuse has moved on from (successfully) spoofing blogs and has actually taken up the real challenge - spoofing/hi-jacking more people that really matter. His I.M. Jack concept looks promising: the trademark culinary flourish is spot on. Although admittedly, Beck himself might smile wryly at the thought of dining on an anonymous balcony in the middle of Luxembourg. In terms of VIPs, au maximum you'd be sharing the view with Josef Bonnici. And a three-hour conversation about the Court of Auditors isn't exactly Kate Moss on coke. Why opt for Luxembourg when St. Julian's offers plenty of celebrity excitement? Heat magazine is already talking about 'The Contractor Slap' as a Maltese phenomenon likely to take over the world. We suspect that J'accuse has calculated that Beck will give him some free publicity in this period of blog-slump. After all, Malta still hasn't joined il resto del mondo civilizzato by granting bloggers a proper welcome (permanent links et al.) into the mainstream media world. What are they waiting for? Perhaps Toni Sant will share his thoughts on the matter during our dinner tonight. We're looking forward. But more on that later.

Zidane and Materazzi, Israel and its enemies

The pages of The Times have been filled with pro- and anti- Zidane letters, with a nice dose of our trademark moralising. But the most fascinating phenomenon following the infamous coup de boule, has been the reaction of the French and Italian press. You’d have expected a balance of views within each country. No prizes for guessing what the Lega Nord’s La Padania would say. But what ensued was a resolutely anti-Zidane (and anti-French) reaction from the whole spectrum of Italian newspapers and a pro-Zidane, anti-Materazzi (and anti-Italian) stance from the French. La Repubblica (left of centre, hardly nationalistic in stance and culturally refined) has carried several biting articles mocking the Zidane Canal + interview for its pomposity, lambasting the French public and media for treating that interview ‘come il ritorno del Messia’ and shouting ‘scandalo’ when FIFA handed down its sentence (3 days to Zizou and 2 days to Materazzi). The French press (both left and right – leaning) has taken a stubborn pro-Zidane and anti-Italian line. Zidane was the honest victim, the ‘cheating’,‘theatrical’ Italian provocateurs the real culprits. FIFA’s decision was justice faite, and taken as a sort of small victory for French pride. In one lyrical article, Liberation went even further by praising Zidane for his attack on Macellazzi’s chest. The only French paper which I came across that simply decided to pull Zizou’s leg was Le Canard Enchaine’, a satirical weekly which I occasionally pick up at the Commission’s Press Shop.

Le Concert Invisible

Two years ago, on a sunny car-free day in Brussels, I came across this guy spinning his Mozart and Vivaldi on Avenue de la Toison d’Or. A few beers, meetings, e-mails and phone calls later, Jerome is set to add some Bruxellois flavour to this year’s Malta Arts Festival. He’ll be spinning classical music in the open air in Valletta between the 10th and 14th August and adding his original musical experience to the Arts Council’s Opera House ‘campaign’.

Books

Sharon will be pleased to know that I’ve just returned from London with two more books which I’ll use for the feature on Travel and Tourism that I promised her a few weeks ago. I plan to review Where the Hell is Tuvalu? (Virgin Books) by a chap called Philip Ells, Just as Well I’m Leaving (Vintage Books) by Michael Booth and that book by Houllebecq. The review should start with these words: “We are living through stressful times. The Malta Tourism Authority insists that We’re All Brand Managers Now, Daphne Caruana Galizia claims that we’re a no-hope working class hell-hole and every pundit and his dog has got an opinion on what’s wrong with ‘Product Malta’”.

Blogs

Do pay a visit to the Kim Bah Lee blog. The author is English, in love with a lovely Maltese lady, a former Malta correspondent for Brussels’ top satirical rag – The Sprout – (Martin Jay, please note) and a keen fan of white Panama suits. Matt blogs about Malta, Bangkok, Brussels and frolicking naked on hot summer days in the Benelux. He also likes Lanzarote (the blog - neither the island, nor the book).

L’insalatiera

Lanzarote can confirm that Malta’s diplomatic relations with Spain have witnessed two (not one) tense incidents over the past weeks. On a recent trip to Luxembourg, a loud Spanish lady informed us, during a party, that Maltese people are rude when it comes to IKEA salad bowls and tablemats. They abuse of your kindness by asking you to purchase these objects for them but forget to pick them up – even following several polite reminders. They later inform you that ‘Heqq, I have been very busy’.

Pierre Mejlak and Toni Sant

Lanzarote is looking forward to tonight’s dinner with PJM and TS. PJM has informed us that TS is an informal type of guy so the kebab joint round the corner has been duly booked for the big occasion.

London

If you’re in the Old Street area, pop over to Shish (http://www.shish.co.uk/). Maps of the Silk Route give you an idea of the variety of food on offer here. And that’s not all – great cocktails await you downstairs in the chilled lounge bar. Try a cocktail called The Minty.

Maderlay

I bought Lars Von Trier’s Europa Trilogy and Manderlay (a sequel to his masterpiece Dogville) but haven't had time to watch them yet.

Quote unquote

“Le discours qui confond ses propres valeurs avec celles de l’humanite’ est celui de toutes les puissances dominantes, de l’Empire romain jusqu’a’ la grande nation, du bon temps des colonies jusqu’a l’american way of life.” Eric Zemmour, Le premier sexe, Editions Denoël, 2006

Rajna F'Idejna

2006-06-29T02:20:00.000-07:00

For Malta, the immigration debate boils down to this: the Limits of Sovereignty. All the banging on about the evils of multiculturalism and 'the liberal left' (ANR) and outright racial hatred (Lowell) will not change that one bit although they have created a problem in their own right. Incidentally do you remember the Rajna F'Idejna slogan? That was only three years ago. It was nonesense then and it's nonesense now. I'm still waiting for someone to ask Labour how it would have dealt with the immigration problem had we gone down that path. Isn't The Times a bit too kind when it simply says "Both (the government and the opposition) agree that the problem is too big for Malta to handle."

In God We Trust

2006-06-15T06:41:00.000-07:00

Christ outvoted in second poll

Tim Raving in Valletta, MALTA

Followers of presidential hopeful Jesus H. Christ were fuming yesterday amid allegations that a successful poll to elect the charismatic and handsome leader “Face of the Nation” had been reversed by the ‘coordinated trickery’ of a powerful lobby group calling itself ‘Sensible Thinkers for a Sane Malta’.

Contacted yesterday for a reaction following the outburst of anger, two spokespinners for ST-SM claimed that this was ‘just a storm in a glass of Kinnie’. ‘For God’s sake,’ said a senior ST-SM representative, wagging a knowing finger (and several slices of pizza) in our direction, ‘don’t these stupid people realise that Jesus H’s insertion in the original poll was a bit of a piss-take.’ Asked whether everyone had got the joke, his comely female colleague raised an eyebrow (which seemed to be suspended in mid-air for an eternity) at us before gushing, ‘Listen, these people are equipped with an IQ barely above that of my pet dog, they can’t tell their Klima from their Kundera and, quite frankly, they’re a bunch of fundamentalist bigots. If they didn’t get the joke, tough!’

An official ST-SM statement claimed that the first poll was 'not terribly serious' while the second vote and several 'logical' letters to the editors of the Times of Malta slamming the choice of Christ 'upheld the democratic rights of our nation'. Quizzed as to whether the suckers who voted in the original poll should be reimbursed the cost of their 'bloody useless' sms messages, a government spokesman broke down into hysterical laughter. 'I'll buy them a packet of Panini, orrajt?' he chuckled.

Reliable sources have informed us that original drafts of the polling documents included the words ‘Ha, ha, ha’ and a smiley after Jesus H. Christ’s name and that in the subsequent poll, the symbol known universally as “The Maltese Cross” was followed by the sentence “this is the most logical, sane, natural, intelligent option. In fact, just tick the f****** box or we’ll rip your f****** feet off.’

When pressed for a comment, the man at the centre of the controversy – a likeable hippie character - smiled confidently before saying: ‘I’m not too bothered, you know. As long as I keep getting coverage in the highbrow press down here and the occasional en passant mention by government ministers, I’ll cope OK. I'm not David Beckham after all.'

Looking out across the sea from his Valletta hotel room he added pragmatically: ‘Besides, there’s George W and his one dollar bill so we’re in fantastic company, I’m sure you’ll agree.’

2006-06-10T19:14:00.000-07:00

Lots of work, the splendid weather and great party atmosphere in the town that Saviour Balzan thinks is too boring and grey, has kept me away from the keyboard. There's something intrinsically wasteful about cooping yourself up at home in front of a laptop when the cafes are bursting with life and the sunshine beckons. World Cup fever is alive and well in Brussels as you can expect from a town whose expat community is probably only second to London's multicultural (but very British) scene. Today's UK Independent (known for its original front pages) featured photos of 32 UK-based 'immigrants' from the 32 nations participating in this World Cup, surrounding the title 'England Expects'.

Tomorrow the real fun starts. I'll be travelling across the border to Hannover with colleague and mate Mauro to watch the ever-suffering azzurri take on tough tackling Ghana. I hope that the spirit of '82 propels them to great heights in spite of all the bad vibes they've had to endure following Juventopoli. But the story of how I managed to get the ticket for the game is unbelievably intimately connected to Luciano Moggi and involves a particularly disgruntled Juve-supporting dad. So in many ways I should be thanking Lucianone. Every cloud has a silver lining.

Bring on the face paint!

FORZA AZZURRI!

Lampposts

2006-06-07T05:08:00.000-07:00

Lampposts with a smile

Short piece written on the plane back from Budapest to follow

So who's a racist then?

2006-06-04T12:47:00.000-07:00

Malta's right-wing movements deny that they're racist and seem to actually take offence when someone claims that they are. Lowell says that he's a 'racialist' while the ANR, which will organise another 'protest march' (against what exactly?) on the 8th of June, presents itself as simply patriotic, nationalist and conservative. Most journalists seem to find it easier to focus on Lowell while the ANR is gaining a reputation for being 'the acceptable face of the right' in Malta. Are all those who strongly voice worries about immigation xenophobes? When do right-wing parties become dangerous? How can their discourse provide fertile ground for racism and hatred? And how are similar parties classified in the foreign press? If the ANR is not racist, can it get away with claiming that it's not xenophobic or that it's not fascist? Or is it just patriotic, as it claims?

1) In a recent 8-page dossier about Jean-Marie Le Pen, leader of France's Front National, Le Nouvel Observateur classified Europe's far-right parties.

The French Front National. A recent poll found that:
83% consider Le Pen to be 'brutal'
81% consider him to be racist
68% consider him to be a 'man of conviction'
64% consider that he alone dares to speak about certain problems
53% consider him to be a demagogue

The British National Party: extreme-right (gained presence in local elections)
The Danish People's Party: extreme-right, xenophobic. (13.2% of the vote)
The Italian Lega Nord: xenophobic. (4.58% of the vote)
The Italian MSI-Fiamma Tricolore: fascists.
The Belgian Vlaams Belang: extreme-right, anti-immigrant. (24.2% of the vote)
The Hungarian Justice and Life Party: xenophobic and antisemitic. (2.2% of the vote)
The Polish League of Polish Families: ultracatholic and antisemitic. (8% of the vote)
The German NPD: ex-neonazi (9.2% of the vote in Saxony)
The Swiss Union democratique du Centre: populist. (26.6% of the vote)

So where does the ANR fit in? Can it simply hide behind its 'patriotic and conservative' tag while Lowell gets all the flak for being the 'weirdo racist'?

2) In an excellent article in the Financial Times (May 13-14) called Alienation at home and abroad , the author Lionel Shriver finds that the struggling immigrant is generally treated with sympathy by novelists. But what about the feelings of the host nation, she asks.

The only novel I've read that attempts to address immigration even-handedly is T.C. Boyle's 1995 The Tortilla Curtain (which is terrific). Like Lorraine Adams, Boyle depicts his primary immigrant characters as honest and hard-working, but they are surrounded by a shadier lot: thieves, drug-runners and rapists. The Tortilla Curtain portrays the costs to the host community of unchecked, illegal immigration. The Mexican protagonist and his pregnant wife "America" sleep rough in a Californian public park, which they not only foul and litter, but inadvertently set on fire during a drought. For once, the host population is given the dignity of names and faces, rather than merely constituting a backdrop crowd of the fatuously well-off who are not very nice.

Yet Boyle's native-born Americans are still too affluent and small-minded to engage the reader's sympathy appreciably. When "America" loses the skin on her hands to toxic solvents because her employers can't be bothered to provide rubber gloves, or is preyed upon sexually and cheated of hard-earned wages, it's hard to get fussed when our American family on the wealthy estate nearby loses their dog. In the end it's still the Mexicans who stake out the moral high ground, even if they leave a few Coke cans behind.

The only novel I know of that puts the host population's case ferociously is Jean Raspail's infamous The Camp of the Saints - first published in French in 1973, but set in 2000, when the world's population has ballooned to 7 billion (and he was not far off). A stinking "river of sperm", 800,000 desperate residents of Calcutta hijack a fleet of ships and head for the coast of France. Meanwhile, gormlessly liberal France prepares to greet the convoy with open arms. The first landing party is a tide of bloated corpses thrown overboard. Similar sea-jackings are under way. The full-scale invasion of the first world by the third has begun.

The Camp of the Saints is blatantly racist. The mascot of the approaching ships is a grotesquely deformed dwarf, their human cargo characterised as a "sweating, starving mass, stewing in urine and noxious gases". The purple prose does the author's cause a disservice, for many defensible sentiments drown in hyperbolic poison. Raspail is at his best when writing about his own countrymen, who are, in his view, too paralysed with self-contempt to defend their own borders: "Cowardice toward the weak is cowardice at its most subtle, and indeed, its most deadly".

So are the powerful emotions surrounding immigration on the receiving end inherently unworthy of compassion? Are westerners who are uncomfortable with a tide of uninvited new arrivals ipso facto the villains of the tale? I think not. That discomfort need not proceed from bigotry alone, but surely from the same primitive notion of home that concerns Segun Afolabi. Illegal immigration occasions the sensation of a householder when total strangers burst through his front door without knocking and take up indefinite residence in the guest room. Britain memorialises its natives' brave fight against the Nazis in the second world war. In sufficient quantity, the arrival of foreign populations can begin to duplicate the experience of military occupation - your nation is no longer your home. Yet native western citizenries are implicitly told on a daily basis that to object is prejudiced, and they had best keep their mouths shut. This is a silencing in which fiction has been complicit.

As an American resident of Britain, I am an immigrant myself. Perhaps I can never quite regard the UK as home either, so that on my yearly trips to New York City I would like to relish returning somewhere that is. Yet one in four adults in New York today does not speak English. The recreation area where I once hit a tennis ball against a backboard in Riverside Park has now been colonised by immigrants from Guatemala. The last few times I practised my forehand, I drew wary looks and felt unwelcome. I don't practise there any more, and I resent that a bit. Does that make me a bigot? In a story, would I look bad?

Surely fiction could stand to render as passably sympathetic an unease - or even fury - at being made to feel a foreigner in one's own country. In the face of mainstream disquiet over immigration, most centrist politicians abdicate to the venomous rightwing. By likewise failing to engage with understandably primal reactions to the compromise of one's home, fiction writers may abdicate the role of comforter and champion to future Jean Raspails of a subtler, more beguiling stripe. Literarily, readers are being cheated, for filling in only one side of the equation deprives a compelling modern drama of its delicious complexity.

3) In this article which appeared in Le Soir, writer Pierre Mertens contemplates the recent tragic events in Antwerp in which an 18 year-old student shot and wounded a Turkish woman and murdered a 2 year-old girl and her Malian carer.

"...Jean-Paul Sartre remarked, in his Reflections on the Jewish Question that "antisemitism, is more than just a way of thinking. It is first and foremost a passion." The same applies, of course, to all forms of racism. The young Antwerp killer, who wanted to bash foreigners, had probably read neither Sophocles nor Sartre. His father disowned him and asked how his son could have done such a thing. But he didn't have to look too far: he himself militates in a xenophobic party and his grandfather was a Nazi collaborator during the war. Hadn't they both cultivated a very fertile field? Even if we push aside any determinism, wasn't the atmosphere 'favourable' for such an outcome? There may always come a day when supposedly harmless words and the weight of slogans constitute the ideal platform for the worst atrocities to occur...The worst thing about hatred is that as soon as it manifests itself, attempts are made to minimise it by finding accessory reasons to explain the actions of those who actually pull the trigger."

The Nice Nazi

Spoof

2006-06-01T05:28:00.000-07:00

The Lanzarote Newsroom presents:

SPOOF.MT

Coming soon to a Blog only a click away from you.

(We don't claim to have invented the art of spoof. But we do hope to perfect it. Other contributors are welcome.)

BIRTHDAY SPECIAL

2006-05-25T02:56:00.000-07:00

Dedicated to all readers of Lanzarote who have shown incredible loyalty towards this project through think and thin, good times and bad (in particular these tense eurovision days). We thank you for your support. Please do keep coming back. Also dedicated to our favourite bloggers after 1 year in the business: vlad at fool's cap, jacques at j'accuse, mark at xifer, pierre at pierre j. mejlak's blog, toni at toni sant's blog, cyberdigger at ta' barra mod iehor iehor, sandro at ta' barra mod iehor, gybexi at inutile de dejeuner, zemploid at the orbit, sharon at lost in thought, fausto at malta 9, arseidor, raphael at the skip, twanny at triq il-maqluba and stagno at xemx wisq sabiha/maltastar.we'resobloodyhip.com

LES MALTAIS

Pour avoir longuement visite l'ile de Malte au printemps, avec une camarade intelligente qui n'avait pas de culotte, je puis temoigner que c'est une ile tres jolie ou l'on ne s'ennuie guere a l'ombre des acacias ventrus grouillants de cigales, animal dont le crissement saccade nous les brise, il faut bien le dire.

Si l'on exclut les villes-Etats comme Hong Kong, Malte est le premier pays du monde pour la densite de sa population, qui est de 1 107 habitants au kilometre carre, en comptant les scatophages et les diabetiques, contre seulement 97 en France, en comptant les putains et les socialistes. C'est dire a quel point les gens sont serres les uns contre les autres lors des promenades pedestres et des offices de dimanche. D'ou l'interet de visiter Malte en compagnie d'une camarade depourvue de culotte, la promiscuite surpopulatoire en milieu urbain pouvant a tout moment solliciter la libido du touriste dont l'appareil photographique ventral cache mal aux regards la boursouflure turgescente d'un mandrin frenetique que la morale reprouve en dehors des liens sacres du mariage.

Peu intelligent par rapport au cadre francais dont on peut voir briller l'oeil vif chaque jour a l'aube dans n'importe quel avion d'Air Inter, le Maltais est en revanche tres gentil. Manquerait plus qu'il morde, direz-vous. Certes, mais pour cet etre ne a cheval entre la Sicile et l'Afrique, mi-italien mi-bete, je demanderai l'indulgence.

Le Maltais moyen est petit.
Le Maltais petit est minuscule.
Il n'y a pas de grand Maltais. Il n'y a que toi, Helene. (Message personnel).

Desuete et volontiers monogame, la Maltaise a generalement la peau brune et pulpeuse, et ses hanches de guitare en font un instrument accorte, au lit comme a la plage. Mais attention. Quand je dis "instrument", qu'on ne se meprenne pas. Je ne suis pas pour la femme-objet, au contraire: j'aime bien quand c'est moi qui bouge pas.

Le Premier ministre de Malte s'appelle Dom Mintoff. Tres traumatise par l'occupation brittanique, dont la derniere base a evacue l'ile en 1979, le peuple maltais se retrouve en son chef qui manifeste volontiers son anglophobie en pissant dans les theieres le 14 juillet. C'est quand meme moins con que d'afficher une tronche de hareng douloureux le 11 novembre sous l'Arc de triomphe pour secouer ce qu'il reste de mains aux ex-poilus moribonds nostalgiques de l'eventration collective de 14-18.

Word key

les etrangers sont nuls = foreigners suck
culotte = panties
ventrus = bulbous
boursouflure = swelling
turgescente = becoming or seeming swollen
mandrin = piercing object
desuete = outdated
accorte = comely, attractive
se meprendre = to misunderstand
theieres = teapot
tronche de hareng = herring's head

(This post would not have been possible without the kindness of a certain Mr Thomas Burgel - originally from Bretagne but now working for Les Inrockuptibles in Paris - who sent us a huge parcel of books and music following our reunion in Brussels two weeks ago. 2 Many DJs is a great party mix and Pierre Desproges a great misanthropist)

Enjoy les vacances: we're off to Budapest, departure from Charleroi with WizzAir at 17.55

New Formula

2006-05-20T19:13:00.000-07:00

2006 - The Year the World Started to Love The Eurovision Song Contest and Malta Started to Hate It

4:19 Brussels time (before The Sunday Times, Joe Grima on di-ve.com, Xarabank and Bondi + can kick off their month-long 'post-Festival')

1) Lanzarote News exclusive:

Prediction 1: After Malta's "1 point" last night and Finland's triumph, the next few weeks will be full of unlikely pundits clamouring for 'a change in formula'. Toni Sant's gonna have company. I bet. May the soul-searching begin...(But wait a minute - that bloke from Russia with the mullet came second and he sounded exactly like Faniello...)

Or

Prediction 2: The same pundits will clamour for Malta to simply pull out of 'this ridiculous festival'. They will also call it 'a joke' and 'a waste of money'.

Watch their spaces!

2) The girl in the picture? Top of The Pops' Fearne Cotton who read out the UK's results. The real star of the evening with her deliciously cool accent and 'devil sign' after announcing the UK's 'douze points' for Finland. "Sunny Malta" eat your heart out.

3) Terry Wogan highlights:

1) he's a man with serious eyebrows
2) the ragged denim shorts making a come-back
3) this is suspenders taken to an entirely new level

4) 13:38 Brussels Time - UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE: The Malta Independent gives you a characteristically insightful analysis of yesterday's events: The Finnish rock band, whose masks, armour and jets of flame have attracted widespread attention, could be termed to be a sign of the new rough, uncouth times that are coming over Europe.

Eurovision Song Fest rattled by controversy

2006-05-19T10:31:00.000-07:00

Greek shopkeepers harrassed by Maltese fans

Slavoj Zizek for Lanzarote News in Athens

The Greek secret service is investigating what reliable sources have termed 'a systematic, calculated intimidation' of Athenian shopkeepers by an unwieldy crowd, Lanzarote News can confirm tonight.

According to eye-witness reports, a group of around 100 individuals, brandishing a mysterious red-and-white flag mobbed a string of souvenir and kebab joints in downtown Athens demanding that stunned shopkeepers vote for a bloke called 'Fabrizju'.

Christos Tzakis, the 37-year old owner of the 'Kalimera Kebab' was still recovering from the ordeal when we caught up with him this morning. "This was incredible!" he exclaimed, a bead of sweat making its way down his rugged face, "This fat guy comes up to me and mentions 'Fanjellu' or something. When I asked him what he meant things turned nasty - he threatened to boycot my shop or, worse, simply burn it down."

Similar incidents were reported throughout the day, Greek shopowners claiming that they feared the worst for their business. "Bloody Maltese fanatics " said one angry salesgirl, visibly shaken by the events "How dare they, we'll get our own back by boycotting their shitty little island" she added, exaggerating somewhat.

It later emerged that 'Farbizju' is Malta's singer at this year's Euro Song Fest and a bit of a cult-figure in the small, predominantly cheesy country.

The organisers of the event declined to comment following the shocking incidents as police confirmed that they would be closely monitoring telephone lines in the Athens district on Saturday night, amid press reports that 'voting may be influenced'.

However, one official we contacted this morning, confirmed that the Maltese fans did have a tendency to 'make their presence felt' wherever they went, as The Times of Malta succinctly put it this morning. "They're a rowdy lot", he added with a meaningful smile.

Intrigued by this insane incident, Lanzarote News decided to see for itself what all the fuss was about and followed the good-natured Maltese singer as he navigated costume changes and sound checks and pouted his way through several photo-shoots. There appeared to be a slight hitch with a particular garment which, in the words of a certain Robbie Abela, "made his bum look totally flat for Christ's sake".

In the meantime, the Greek organisers have announced that journalists are, in fact, welcome to attend tomorrow's exclusive "Wild Sex" party which they promise "will be even better than the songs themselves". Judging by the sheer quality of bare mid-riffs and hot totty in these parts, it's hard not to believe them.

"It's gonna be a bit lonely for those wankers from Finland who came here to make a point," said one attractive Andorran backing vocalist as she gave us that unmistakeable 'come-hither' look.

Yippee!!!

Fair Play

2006-05-16T03:53:00.000-07:00

La Juve restituisca lo scudetto

di Francesco Merlo

The Italians are brilliant at using and playing with words. This technique is used to beautiful effect but it is also often employed to hide or cloud the true meaning of events. The Brits are more direct, and less nuanced, when it comes to concepts like fair-play, corruption and sportive behaviour. Here Francesco Merlo chooses to say things as they are. I prefer his approach to Vittorio Feltri's.

When Giuve go through their catharsis (a stint in Serie B with the likes of Juve Stabia will help) and become Juventus once more, Italian football will be a better place. It's sad that all our suspicions and fears over the past decade turned out to be hyper-real but there was a certain inevitability about it I suppose. Until then a slightly more tame 'Forza Italia' for the World Cup. I'll also be cheering for Ghana, the native country of my friend Ed - one hell of a great guy. And England, of course.

Eurococktails

2006-05-13T08:35:00.000-07:00

Toni Sant certainly has a point when he says that the Eurovision Song Contest has its own legacy, like it or not. After all, here we are, discerning members of the public, discussing Fabrizio Faniello's hairstyle and crap lyrics. Again. There are some things that simply pull you in. Whether it's to cheer on the sex god from Cyprus, or to compare and contrast the line-up of stunning totty from Eastern Europe (the line 'man, these Eastern European birds just do my head in' invariably crops up during ESC nights with friends), or to listen to Terry Wogan's wise-cracks about reindeer or that Estonian bloke's leather trousers. Millions watch it, millions look forward to it and millions (well, let's say thousands) take it seriously.

But my question, following Toni's thumbs-up to the Warewolves from Finland, is this: when will Malta pick someone eccentric to represent it at Eurovision? When will we ditch the 'sultry Mediterranean looks', 'angelic voice' and 'pop chick' for someone slightly mad? When, in other words, will we pick a line-up of a capella nuns or a group calling itself 'Hunting is Cool and We Don't Give a Toss'? Any ideas Toni? Until then it's going to be (yet) another summer night frolicking in white linen shirts on hackneyed sandy beaches with imaginary models while another cliched sunset reminds us how bloody seriously we take ourselves.

Earnest update from Maltarightnow about Toni's faves Lordi: Dan x'aktarx minħabba li Lordi hu grupp li mhux soltu naraw bħalu fil-Eurovision.Minbarra l-mużika bi stil hard rock, għandhom ukoll il-kostum li jirrifletti l-istil tagħhom. Il-ġurnalisti ma naqsux milli jistaqsuhom dwar kemm idumu biex jagħmlu l-irtokk kif ukoll dwar l-effett li d-dehra tagħhom tħalli fuq it-tfal. Il-membri tal-grupp, minkejja d-dehra pjuttost raffa tagħhom, wieġbu għall-mistoqsijiet kollha tal-ġurnalisti anke wara li temmew il-konferenza stampa.

:-)))))))

Cafe d'Europe

2006-05-09T09:32:00.000-07:00

What I did on Europe Day

David, Grade 4.
9^th May 2006

I love holidays. Especially when everyone else is at school. Europe Day is one of these special holidays and it is my favourite one. First of all it is always sunny, the birds sing in the garden and many beautiful flowers grow on the trees. I like the purple ones best. But I also like walking around my town with nothing to worry about at all. And I love looking at people sitting in the sunshine. They often read a book or a newspaper or just chat to each other and laugh. Some people read a huge pink newspaper. These people are often men and wear sunglasses. There are many ‘cafes’ in my town and when the sun comes out, I look at the people and imagine that this is what people mean when they say ‘happiness’. My friend Pierre, who is in a place called Antwerp today, agrees and we have promised each other that when we grow up and become powerful men (like our Prime Minister) we will help people to open many cafes and bars on an island somewhere in the Mediterranean Sea. I have seen pictures of this place. The sea is so blue. Our teacher told us that it’s very very hot there. I also like to eat funny food with my friends. My friend Anna is ‘cool’ and always likes to do new things which she calls ‘stuff’. Today she told me about a place called Chez Oki and we tried some food from this country called Japan which tasted very good. But the people were funny too – they had strange eyes and looked different. A boy in my class thinks that they shouldn’t be our friends because they are not like us and he says that his father doesn’t like them. But my friend Andre’s best friend looks exactly like that woman and she is very very nice. I also like to look into shop windows but not too much. My favourite street is called Rue de Bailli which has many small shops and many bars and cafes. People seem to smile all the time on this street. I don’t know why they seem so happy but I like it. I think it’s the friendly shopkeepers who always say things like ‘bonjour’ or ‘merci’ or ‘allez, pas de problemes’. Maybe it’s the yellow trams chugging slowly up and down making their funny tinkling noises. Or the big church at the top of the road. Or the man who sells cakes and sweets at the other end. Maybe it’s all the people who don’t look the same and who speak strange languages. Some have white skin while others have black skin and big hair like my friend Ed. Some even have yellow skin. Mine is brown especially when I sit in the sunshine. Tomorrow we must go to school again. Pierre told me that his project was making eggs. Tomorrow we will meet Antoine, a boy from a place called Malta who wants to go to Europe too because he loves different languages and observing people sitting in cafes while they read a book. Is that a bit strange? Anyway, I’m sure that he will like the cafes on my favourite street.

Daphne on Dolly

2006-05-04T01:37:00.000-07:00

Daphne on Dolly.

Of course Daphne has a point here. Malta isn't exactly London in terms of eccentricity and originality.

But then she says things like :

We see the copycat principle at work in every sphere of Maltese life...

Now it’s computer shops. They’re all over the place, and still you can’t get what you want or need. At one stage, it was jewellery shops, all of them selling the same boring stuff bought from the very same wholesaler. Now it’s boutiques, selling the most unbelievable tat – the kind you only see worn by streetwalkers in Rome and Soho – and kitchen emporia. Yes, kitchens are the new copycat thing. Everyone and his brother are selling them.

The copycat syndrome is what makes us behave like sheep, too. Safety in numbers? Lack of imagination? If everyone’s doing it then it must be right? One couple in a group of friends splits up and the rest of them go down like skittles. Go to a party and all the women are wearing variations of the same thing. Now they are even the same shape and size, and look like they have been pressed out of ginger-bread moulds. Pop, another one! Pop, one more!

I went to a very popular coffee-shop between meetings the other day, and it was packed with women with their small kids, and other women on their lunch break. For some minutes I sat there, feeling spooked, like there was something weird, and then I realised what it was. I was the only one wearing the hair that God gave me, the only one with a dark crop up top. They all – and I mean all, without exception – had the same hair, the kind of hair that I think of as screaming out for help (“Help me! Help me! I’m being tortured to death!”). It was either dyed blonde or heavily streaked blonde on brown – for both of which processes prior bleaching is essential, making the hair lifeless and frayed – then blow-dried “straight”. As somebody with naturally straight hair, I can tell a blow-dry at 20 paces. The hair moves differently. It was like an Argentinean polo party, with absolutely none of the glamour or beauty.

Thank God for The Encyclopedia of Modern Life. Jewellery, hairstyles, babies in prams, a disconcerting lack of individualism and the sheer 'horror' expressed by the 'ruggedly individualist middle-class professionals'. The lot! Astonishing!

Nu-snobbery

The poor are a right laugh: look, they don't have much money! Ha ha ha. But there's a downside, too: they sometimes have bad skin because they don't use the correct sea-salt based exfoliant scrubs, and they can be violent.

In Britain, of course, we have a long and proud tradition of despising the poor. Back in 1348, Chaucer was moved to write: 'Paupers? Ryghte bunche of queyntes.' In the 21st century, this tradition is looking almost absurdly healthy. In 2004, following the soaraway success of websites like ChavScum, ChavWorld and ChavTowns, virulent class hatred made it onto the bookshelves with titles like Chav! A User's Guide to Britain's Ruling Class and The Little Book of Chavs. The once-trendy website Popbitch started selling T-shirts emblazoned with 'Pramface', a slogan that righteously rips into girls who, er, push prams.

There was definitely some confusion, though: chavs are 'skinny and underfed', but also 'obese from always eating McDonald's'. They are 'inherently racist', but also 'spawn multi-coloured babies'.

'They all dress the same!' roared the ruggedly individualist middle-class professionals. 'They buy crappy jewellery from Argos!' Instead of, say, another chain store in the same shopping centre that's marketed at People Like Us instead. The sites attacking chavs for their aggression and mindless bad language were questioned by a journalist at the Independent. One respondent told him to 'fuck off and die'.

The word 'chav' actually derives from the gypsy word 'chavo', meaning 'little lad', and has long been familiar slang in Surrey and Kent (it's even on Sham 69's anthem 'Hersham Boys'). Now, however, it has started to denote a louty canker at the heart of our nation. Message boards were rammed with missives like: 'Chavs unfortunately don't yet fall into the category of rodent and in effect cannot be bludgeoned to death under the guise of pest control. Darn!' Or: 'Do not be fooled by there (sic) Humanoid looks, they are of another race, mainly scum'. Ha ha! What a hilarious parody of Nazi propaganda! Cool!

Of course, the Daily Mail couldn't wait to get in on this raw, virile fun and wrote of disgusting women who 'pull their shoddily dyed hair back in that ultra-tight bun known as a council-house facelift'. I'd have thought that, as a general rule of thumb, if your prejudices match those of the Daily Mail, you might want to shoot yourself. Amazingly, sometimes middle-class people in regular employment swear loudly and hit people too. And, get this: some, even those working for the Daily Mail, are more obnoxious than words can express.

Even so, it's clearly enormously liberating to rant on about single mothers and lazy workers like some gout-ridden Victorian bishop who's been at the laudanum again.

Y Humour is so Lovely!

2006-05-02T03:22:00.000-07:00

MADRID - Un'ironica provocazione. Perfettamente riuscita. Mtv fustiga allegramente se stessa, con una campagna pubblicitaria basata su valori completamente opposti a quelli del suo pubblico abituale. E nasce subito il caso. Gli ingredienti: una pagina web dal nome paradossale - www. nomiresmtv. com (non guardare Mtv) - una finta "Associazione Nuova Rinascita, per una gioventù senza macchia" e, soprattutto, un motivetto dal titolo inequivocabile: "Amo Laura, ma aspetterò fino al matrimonio".

More here

Right wing messages

2006-04-25T08:15:00.000-07:00

The ANR hopes to shore up support by focusing on every single crime allegedly committed in Europe by Arabs and Blacks. Would the ANR have given this story any importance if it was obvious from day one that the killers were Italians or Swedes? No. The implication: Arabs and Blacks are all criminals.

As it turns out, one of the main suspects is Polish. What will the ANR say now? That Poles aren't fit to live in Europe? That multicultarilsm can't work? That Poles should be expelled from Malta? That their religious beliefs aren't compatible with our way of life?

Here's the ANR on 23/4/2006, quoting a foreign website:

Joe Van Holsbeeck, the 17 year old boy who died after being butchered with a knife by North African youths in Brussels Central Station last week, was buried today. Muslim immigrants distributed home baked bread during the funeral. Joe was savagely stabbed to death Wednesday a week ago when he refused to hand over his MP3 player to the North Africans. Immediately after the assassination the police inquired whether Joe had made any “racist remarks” whilst been mugged, but Joe and his family and friends were not racists. On the contrary.

And here's today's Le Soir with an update on the case:

La police polonaise attend des informations de la police belge, pour l'aider à mettre la main sur l'un des agresseurs présumés de Joe Van Holsbeeck, un adolescent tué à Bruxelles le 12 avril, a indiqué le porte-parole de la police.
Nous attendons des informations par les canaux d'Interpol. Dans des cas pareils, nous lançons toujours des recherches, une fois effectué un échange d'informations, a-t-il déclaré.
Les autorités judiciaires belges ont confirmé l'interpellation d'un Polonais mineur, l'un des deux auteurs présumés de l'agression mortelle de Joe Van Holsbeeck, 17 ans, tué pour son baladeur MP3. Le mineur a avoué avoir participé à l'agression et collabore avec la justice, a-t-on indiqué de même source. (D'après AFP)

Brussels by Night

2006-04-23T15:22:00.000-07:00

What we're listening to:

What we're reading:

What we're doing:

My friend from the stage, Mij is back in town after a two-year hiatus in London where he worked for the Treasury. Mij is short for Mujtaba and he makes the best curry I've ever tasted. He has also appointed me his official 'wing-man' which means that I get to accompany him on his frequent forays into Brussels nightlife. This is a good deal which lends itself to laughs, some decent conversations with random girls and - when it really gets going - the occasional dancing session with Hungarian babes on the tables of Guru Bar just off Place Flagey. Lazy Sundays are beautiful in Brussels. Mij invited us over for lunch and we sat in his flat dipping fresh baguettes into hot curry soup. We were soon engrossed in an intriguing conversation. Not about identity, migration, religion or politics but about the relative worth of Brussels clubs. What's good, what's bad and what you should avoid like the plague. Rebecca, a Scot and Anna - my English girlfriend - were crucial contributors to the analytical debate that followed. The outcome of this important meeting of minds was the mapping out of a "Sleaze-Scale of Brussels Joints" in which the following factors (in random order) were taken into account. (G) denotes a factor which particularly concerns female patrons of a particular joint:

1) the number of guys who attempt to pick you up in the space of half an hour. (G)
2) the blatant nature of the pick-up attempts;
3) the lighting of the place (also known as the 'neon-light' factor);
4) the number of guys with a "pudding-basin + shaved sides" haircut;
5) the 'kulcheral events' associated with the joint;
6) the cheesy music factor;
7) the gay factor: in a predominantly heterosexual bar, the presence of gays generally pushes up the 'class factor' of a joint by several notches;
8) the percentage of over-40s in the joint;
9) why people are there in the first place;
10) the percentage of men who "blatantly rub their tackle against your arse as they pass by". (G)

Here's the final classification in order of sleaziness with a short description of each joint:

1) Conway's. What the Americans term a "dive bar", i.e. you can't sink lower if you tried. On the up-market Avenue de la Toison d'Or.
2) Havana. A meat-market dressed up as a Latino paradise. Maltese Eurovision idols are known to frequent this location. Off Rue Haute.
3) Les Salons de l'Atlaide. The building is impressive and looks like a Persian palace. The music and clientele lets it down terribly. So does the fact that it was recently taken over by Belgian-French crooner Johnny Halliday. Chaussee de Charleroi.
4) The Living Room. Opposite Les Salons de l'Atlaide. Just a boring, boring place.
5) Mirano @ 7. Yuppie after-work meat-market. Chaussee de Louvain.
6) Galleries Louise. Great location, disappointing all-round. Avenue Louise.
7) Barrio. Small, smokey, sweaty cellar. Place de la Chapelle.
8) Le Corbeau. Drunken dancing on tables is Corbeau's speciality. People have been known to fall off. Off Boulevard Anspach.
9) You Club. Frequented by a teenage, mainly local, crowd. Rue Duquesnoy.
10) Level Bar. Not much going on here but decent location to sip a Martini . Place Chatelain.
11) Le Cercle. Not much going on here either but friendly crowd. Off Place du Sablon.
12) Dali's Bar. One of our favourites. Good music. But make sure you tip the bouncers as you leave. Petite Rue des Bouchers.
13) Cafe Central. Great for a few chilled drinks with mates but not too good on the dancing side. Place St. Gery.
14) Mezzo. Often welcomes good DJs but our coats were stolen here once.
15) Bazaar. Upstairs Bazaar is a lovely restaurant which actually houses an old Mongolfiere. After 11 the club kicks off in the cellar. Friendly staff, music has improved greatly, friendly crowd. Maltese writers have been known to be inspired by blonde women wearing floral dresses in this place. Rue des Capucins.
16) Guru Bar. Slowly becoming one of our favourites. A pricy restaurant turns into a groovy club. Takes ages to get a drink but the Mojitos and the Hungarians are worth the wait. Off Place Flagey.
18) Cafe Belga. Part of the culturally throbbing Flagey complex and a great place to sip your Blanches and Leffes before the party gets going. Place Flagey.

Bog Roll

2006-04-21T05:33:00.000-07:00

Is this what we've come to? Nikol Cauchi using the pages of The Times to tell us that we can read on the bog?

If one thinks about it, even the most odd moments in the day can be used to read. It is all a matter of developing the habit.

Circuit Castronomique

2006-04-21T02:28:00.000-07:00

Special dedication to all Maltese tourism 'stakeholders' and to our globe-trotting blogger Rene-Fidel who may wish to ditch his Houellebecq under the coconut tree and run to the nearest Cuban newsagents' to grab a copy. Geez, life's funny isn't it? You sit in a lonely grey office in Luxembore and your daily blogging 'appointment with your loyal readers' looks like a naughty treat. You fly away to an exclusive Cuban beach and it becomes a burden. Cheeky Charlie.

Que te diviertas Rene-Fidel y Hasta el Euro Siempre!

PARIS (AFP) - Le Canard enchaîné s'en prend au monde des vacances et du tourisme, dans un dossier spécial intitulé "Les marchands de soleil" à paraître mercredi. Dans un tour de la galaxie du tourisme en quelque 79 étapes, l'hebdomadaire n'oublie personne, de l'hébergement social au Club Med en passant par la sécurité aérienne et les arnaques des taxis parisiens.

Sur les hôtels, le Canard note ainsi que "les étoiles au firmament de l'hôtellerie française ne brillent pas toutes de la même façon", étant "souvent plus brillantes que l'hôtellerie qui les affiche".

Il se moque des formules "tout compris", très à la mode, destinées "à donner une impression d'opulence à bon marché" mais parfois trompeuses, ironise sur les voyages des seniors, les voyages de congrès, le net, les bas salaires des vols low-cost.

Le transport aérien fait l'objet de beaucoup d'attentions, avec "la tarification aérienne à géométrie plutôt variable", les "gros blancs dans la liste noire" des compagnies à risque, qui "ne veut pas dire grand chose".

Parmi les destinations, Cuba est rebaptisé "circuit castronomique", le tourisme médical et de santé est brocardé, de même que la Corse ou le Périgord, "la nouvelle Angleterre".

("Les marchands de soleil". 80 pages. Les dossiers du Canard. 5,35 euros)

Word Key

Le Canard Enchaine' = literally, The Chained Duck. French satirical newspaper.

les arnaques = fraudulent activities/daylight robbery

le "tout compris" = all inclusive

bon marche' = bargain/cheap

les seniors = old age pensioners (OAPs)

Medieval

2006-04-17T13:04:00.000-07:00

Last week a Hungarian friend warned me not to mention a piece of gossip he had previously let me in on since our common friend would probably "go all medieval on his ass" if he got to know that the trivial piece of information had been divulged. Later I learnt that Pulp Fiction had immortalised the expression.

Zemploid has commented on the bloggers' failure to condemn the latest arson attack.

The burning cars are a new phenomenon in Malta so people are understandably shocked by the whole affair and are desperately trying to find a reason for it. But you can already sense that we're turning this into a 'Maltese case'. You read that 'this is what you get in 'Catholic Malta'. Alternatively you get the hackneyed 'where have our values gone?' line. Marie-Louise Coleiro can't believe it: "What is happening to us? What is happening to our society? Hell seems to have broken loose all of a sudden. Where have our values of a closely knit, caring and loving society gone?" Maybe the answer lies in the 'closely knit' nature of Maltese society which appears to be going haywire when faced with its first real external challenge since independence. This, I think, is the only factor which makes the Maltese case different: a sheltered nation which has woken up to find that it's actually part of a bigger world.

While some exponents of the 'new right' are clearly what the French would call "cathos-fachos", I suspect that this labelling trivialises the affair hugely. Racism and intolerance are as old as the hills and, no, we didn't invent them. There's no doubt that the guys burning the cars are medieval in thought and action. However, what's far more shocking, but perhaps predictable, is the laborious debate which surrounds the whole sorry business. It's painful to watch. You get the impression that the columnists who've taken the subject up are actually trying hard to educate their (adult) readers about what constitutes 'acceptable opinions' and what doesn't. Although the political parties' official position has been made clear, other columnists have commented that several people 'in power and in high places' actually harbour xenophobic views. We've all witnessed 'leftist papers' giving mixed messages at best. There's an unmistakably surreal smell in the air. It seems that we've been entirely unprepared mentally for anything of this sort - our artificial squabbles having taken up much of our public space. You get the impression that we have to start entirely from scratch as if we haven't been following events unfold elsewhere over the past 100 years.

The arsonists and racists have 'medieval' written all over them alright. But what makes it scarier is that they appear to be operating in an intellectual vacuum straight out of the Dark Ages.

Tourism update: Daphne has said that Malta is a crap tourist destination (see her article last Thursday). Check out what 'rival island' Lanzarote has to offer. In Maltese! By clicking here.

Congrats!

2006-04-12T03:31:00.000-07:00

Arnoldo Cassola

Arnaud Cassola'

Arnoldo Cassola-Gonzalez

Arnoldo Cassolic

Arnoldy Cassolchenko

Arny Cassola

Arnoldo Cassolao

Arnoldos Cassopolou

Arnoldu Cassogulu

Il nostro Arnoldo (inter)nazionale!

Also check out this interesting (and self-congratulatory) article about "It-Taljani ta' barra" by Vittorio Zucconi in La Repubblica: it's called Saving Private Prodi.

Pulp Malta

2006-04-11T02:14:00.000-07:00

"If Tarantino's previous films had one foot set in the real world and one in the realm of pulp fiction, this pop culture fever dream represents blissful surrender to unreality..."

"Itlob lil Alla li ma jitlax il-Labour"

Talking Point
History repeating itself
by Quentin (Joe) Tarantino

...who admitted he had asked Mr Camilleri whether he would like a Labour government to take revenge.
Mr Camilleri was so distraught... malicious tactics were still being resorted to by Labour...if ever Labour is returned to power...
...also resorts to threatening and name calling all those whose opinions differs from his.
... provocation ..."Labourites will be running the show"... These dangerous remarks ... while its policies swing accordingly.
...This is Dr Sant's poor excuse to make heads roll ...This revengeful modus operandi ... vindictive conduct ... It is common belief that verbal violence is as condemnable as physical violence.
These hostile approaches ...It may condone the violent events ... He too must stand up and be counted.

Y is X Worth W-8ing 4?

2006-04-08T09:36:00.000-07:00

Il y a une breve periode ideale, pendant la dissolution des societes a morale religieuse forte, ou les jeunes ont vraiment envie d'une vie libre, debridee, joyeuse; ensuite ils se lassent, peu a peu la competition narcissique reprend le dessus, et a la fin ils baisent encore moins qu'a l'epoque de morale religieuse forte; mais Esther appartenait encore a cette breve periode ideale, plus tardive en Espagne.

(La Possibilite d'Une ile)

"Squadra cinica"

2006-04-07T10:39:00.000-07:00

The Silence of the Lambs

How many times have we heard Giuventus being described as "una squadra cinica"? Very, very rarely are the words "bella", "pimpante", "che esprime un bel gioco" used to describe la Giuve. More often than not it's "cinica" or "efficace", with the occasional "macchinosa" thrown in for good measure.

Although for many, many people Giuventus is just plain "antipatica".

Now it seems that after Arsenal walked all over them at Highbury and showed up their lack of ideas at the Delle Alpi, their own (ungrateful?) fans have had enough. Now this might have something to do with the fact that when Giuve's cynicism runs out, the truth emerges with disastrous effect: Giuve play boring, unimaginative football and the fans don't seem to give a toss about Giuve's efficiency in the league. How cruel! One day you're a "squadra cinica e vincente", the next you're "inguardabile" and "impotente" just because you haven't bagged the 3 points thanks to a last-minute goalkeeping blunder.

Or maybe it's got something to do with the general "vibe" surrounding Giuve. You know - the famous Triade of Bettega-Moggi-Giraudo, a motely crew of balding, greying, grimacing men (joined by an equally taciturn Capello) who're the last blokes you'd expect to find on someone's "People I'd Most Like to Meet" list. In fact they'd probably be thrilled to find that someone actually wants to meet them at all - every single Giuve fan I know in Brussels exclaims "Mamma mia, guarda Moggi quel mafio**!" whenever the bald eagle appears on the TV screen to sneer something witty after a controversial Juve victory.

But it must be said that Giuve win leagues. And lots of them. For make no mistake, Giuve is a "squadra vincente". Although truth be told, there is a peculiar imbalance between their league successes and their "disfatte" in Europe while teams like Milan seem to have balanced out local and European glory quite nicely.

Ah Milan! That other "squadra vincente". You'd expect Milan to attract equal amounts of "antipatia". You can't exactly call them underdogs. And yet the powerful rossoneri have always been a team I respected, admired and loved to watch. Think Gullit and Van Basten, Savicevic and Boban, Sheva, Gattuso and Kaka. Not to mention l'inossidabile Paolo Maldini. So even when they beat the giallorossi you 're not too cut up about it.

So what is it about Giuve? Is it simply the Bettega-Moggi-Giraudo effect which makes Giuve such a bad vibe team? Who knows?

In the meantime we lift our glass to the Gooners, Barca and Milan as well as underdog Villareal and look forward to some exciting football.

As for Roma, 11 wins in a row is quite impressive by any standards. And Spalletti's a lovely chap.

Broaden Your Horizons

2006-04-05T03:37:00.000-07:00

J'accuse is all for the Maltese "being afforded the chance to broaden their horizons."

While David Darmanin, writing in today's Times de Malte, informs us that:

Another point Mr Fenech used to justify the doubling of the tax rate in August was by claiming that more expensive air fares may act as an incentive for the Maltese to make Gozo a tourist destination.

You can't "broaden" more than that, surely!

Since it's all about "broadening one's horizons", Lanzarote suggests a cunning little scheme. The government should put aside half the departure tax levied on each ticket and purchase 2 books with the proceeds. One book will then be sent to the individual purchasing the ticket while the other will be sent to a local library. In this way the government can claim that it is, in fact, using the proceeds from the tax "to broaden the Maltese population's horizons." thereby justifying the hefty tax under EC law on public policy grounds. The scheme should be called "Freedom of Minds".

PS: Xemx Wisq Sabiha and The Bible will both be excluded from the scheme since everyone seems to have read them already.

Blook

2006-04-04T05:15:00.000-07:00

Din x'tigi bil-Malti?

Blook

E' il "blook" (un po' book, un po' blog), un ibrido che traghetta nel firmamento nobile dei libri i diari on line.

Blieb?

Eglise et Etat

2006-04-02T09:20:00.000-07:00

Jahasra kemm se ndumu niskantaw qisna boloh meta xi Tonio Borg jew xi Lawrence Gonzi jghid xi haga li tfakkarna hafna f’li jkun ghadu kemm qal Benedittu XVI? U kemm ser indumu niehdu xokk qawwi kull darba li xi proxxmu jibda kampanja (sponsorizzata mill-gvern) biex idahhal il-kwistjoni ta’ l-abort fil-Kostituzzjoni? Kemm ser indumu nghajjru lil Tonio Borg fundamentalist u kemm ser indumu nisimugh jghidilna li, le, ta, m’inix fundamentalist, il-bad boys biss jghiduli hekk - qisna tfal fil-playground? Kemm ser indumu naqbdu mal-kazijiet individwali bla ma nistqarru darba ghal dejjem li jekk irridu Malta differenti, ghalxejn noqoghdu nfettqu fid-dettalji ta’ min hu fundamentalist u min mhuwiex? Kemm ser indumu nisimghu dibattiti sterili a la Daphne li r-ritornell taghhom dejjem l-istess: “in more civilized countries, this wouldn’t happen”?. U kemm ser idumu ghaddejjin biha l-Malta Today: “how come EU membership has not brought about the openness we expected”? Kemm ser indumu naghmlu f’qalbna meta xi proxxmu jfettillu jibda kampanja eccentrika kontra l-film The Da Vinci Code, bil-konkluzjoni tas-soltu: pajjiz tan-nejk? Biex imbaghad jigi xi Fausto jghidilna li heqq, remember, Article n of the Criminal Code bans blasphemy. U kemm se ndumu b’halqna miftuh berah qisna l-ghageb tal-presepju meta hutna Maltin u Ghawdxin jaghzlu lil xbiha ta’ Kristu ghall-fuq il-munita ewro jew meta t-Times of Malta taghti prominenza (fl-opinjoni taghna zejda) lill- kampanja bl-isem faux-cool “Y is Sex Worth Waiting 4”? U kemm ser indumu nwahhlu biss f’Tonio Borg meta l-Opposizzjoni (Socjalista?), bil-mexxej intellettwali b’kollox, lanqas titniffes, ma tmurx tirfes xi kallu u titlef xi vot imgiddem?

Id-dibattiti varji dwar id-divorzju/l-abort/Kristu fuq l-ewro/ministri fundamentalisti huma ghal kollox inutli minghajr dibattitu fundamentali (!) li, fl-2006, ghadu ma sehhx f’pajjizna. Aqraw ftit l-artikolu 2 tal-Kostituzzjoni ta’ Malta (fil-bloggata ta' qabel din) u tintebhu malajr x’qed nghid. Ftakru li qed taqraw il-Kostituzzjoni ta' Malta (mhux tal-Partit Nazzjonalista jew tal-Gift of Life). Iflu, b’mod partikolari, l-Artikolu 2(2). Iva, qed taqra sew. Issa ser tkompli tistaghgeb?

Ejjew inkunu naqra serji u ma noqoghdux induru mal-lewza.

Lesti noholqu dibattitu fuq x’ghandha tkun ir-relazzjoni bejn l-istat u l-Knisja? Lesti, jew le, niggieldu l-glieda taghna (imqar simbolika) biex dak l-Artikolu 2, jitnehha? Jew ser nibqghu nistaghgbu - u nitkazaw b’kemm huma fundamentalisti – kull darba li jinawguraw statwa gdida fil-pjazza tan-Naxxar?

U ghax il-kuntest kollox...

Eglise et Etat
(artiklu mehud minn Les Lumieres – des idees pour demain, Telerama hors serie)

La separation
L’Etat n’a pas de culte officiel et la religion releve du strict droit prive. On distingue trois degres de separation: la separation pure et simple (France, Etats-Unis, Mexique, Turquie); la separation coordonnee – moyennant un accord bilateral entre l’Eglise et l’Etat, ou un traite de concordat avec le Vatican pour l’Eglise catholique – ou la religion, assimile a une association de droit public, peut pretendre a un financement public (Allemagne, Autriche, Croatie, Espagne, Italie, Portugal, Slovaquie); la separation hostile, enfin, ou l’Etat, fonde sur une ideologie athee ou agnostique, elimine la religion de la vie publique (Cuba, Chine, Coree du Nord).

L’association
L’Etat affiche une religion “nationale” – fondant l’identite de la nation – ou “officielle”. Cette situation peut cohabiter avec la liberte de conscience, un statut personnel seculier – mariage civil, divorce, IVG autorisee… - et le respect des autres cultes dans le pays concerne (Angleterre, Finlande, Danemark…).

La collusion
L’Etat se veut represantant d’une religion unique, confondue avec l’identite nationale. Les clercs sont fonctionnaires et jouent un role politique, la loi religieuse est appliquee pour le statut personnel, les autres religions sont tolerees (Iran, Pakistan, Algerie, Egypte, Israel…) ou interdites de toute expression publique (Arabie saoudite). Enfin, le Vatican, ou pouvoir spirituel et temporel s confondent en l’autorite du souverain pontif, fait figure d’unique Etat vraiment theocratique du monde.

F’idejkom id-decizjoni fejn tinstab Malta f’din l-iskeda…

Salam alikum!

Kuntest

2006-04-02T04:06:00.001-07:00

Wara Mark... (ma ninsewx, siehbi, li l-kuntest kollox)

KOSTITUZZJONI TA' MALTA

Kapitolu I

Ir-Repubblika ta' Malta

Artikolu 2

Religjon

(1) Ir-religjon ta' Malta hija r-Religjon Kattolika Apostolika Rumana.

(2) L-awtoritajiet tal-Knisja Kattolika Apostolika Rumana ghandhom id-dmir u l-jedd li jghallmu liema principji huma tajbin u liema huma hziena.

(3) It-taghlim religjuz tal-fidi Kattolika Apostolika Rumana ghandu jkun provdut fl-iskejjel kollha ta' l-Istat bhala parti mill-edukazzjoni obbligatorja.

Wara waqfa qasira ghall-brunch (harget gurnata xemx fi Brussell), Lanzarote jerga' jkun maghkom aktar tard , biex ikompli jwasslilkom il-messagg ta' llum, il-Hadd 2 ta' April...

Small is cool

2006-04-01T07:06:00.000-08:00

The "Malta - a bridge between Europe and Africa" cliche has always intrigued me. In other words I always thought it was just that - a catch-phrase. In 2006 it's taken on a whole new meaning. It's a kind of best-of-both-worlds scenario for our dear little island. Those of you who've been following the heated squabble on tourism over the past weeks (1.17 million tourists in 2005 but ever so hungry for more - so much talk about "getting slices of the market", "boosting the industry", "bigger share of the cake") and who've latched onto this dispatch from the EPP conference in Rome (we're small guys, we're small) know exactly what I mean.

Did someone say "overpopulated"?

Now all we have to do is crank up the hospitality, welcome Ryanair's flood and build a few more hotels.

Small - as always - is beautiful.

Ranier and Daphne go digging

2006-03-30T06:40:00.000-08:00

Statue of Greek satyr (circa 500 BC)

The new pro-life statue in my home-town of Naxxar (2006 AD) has got our beloved opinion columnists into a bit of a frenzy.

Ranier Fsadni, a nice chap who tries to inject a bit of ‘general culture’ into The Times’ pages, went all sci-fi and H.G. Wells on us today in this piece, projecting Malta into ‘the year 2156’ in a world where things have gone all topsy-turvy. Fsadni imagines a spectacular inversion of roles: after 2013, Malta has become a vociferous pro-choice nation while all other members of the ‘Eurasian Union’ have turned into convinced pro-lifers (possibly due to the massive impact of the Britney and the Wolf monument).

Fsadni fantasises about 'cultural historians' of the future accidentally digging up the Naxxar statue. Ranier pictures them, as if in front of Tutankhamen's sarcophagus, solving the riddle to Malta’s mysterious pro-life u-turn. Only it's not quite an Egyptian mummy they come across but the Fenech Adami/Gift of Life statue. In what may be termed a IOTT (Intellectually Over The Top) moment, Fsadni imagines the poor sods concluding that:

“(the statue's symbolism - a woman standing alone with her foetus) showed clearly that there was a point where the anti-abortion Maltese adopted the unspoken assumptions of pro-choice Euro-America (as it was then).”

As opposed to them, say, just brushing it aside as another crap piece of “ultra-kitch island art”.

One awaits with bated breath for an anti-divorce statue to crop up on the B'Kara bypass. That should drive Ranier nuts - just imagine the permutations.

Archaeological digs seem to have been on naughty Daphne’s mind too (besides “w****” - she means "willy" which sounds a bit Famous Five). “Fertility cults in the information age” kicks off a little sneering romp with this gem:

"Thousands of years after the building of the temples at Hagar Qim and Tarxien, we appear to be intent on creating yet another fertility cult, as if to prove that we are barely out of the Stone Age when it comes to intellectual and spiritual development".

While we tend to agree with Daphne on the general intellectual backwater status of the island, we don’t share her assumption that the fertility cult statues which are being erected (ahem!) in unsuspecting village squares and on innocent roundabouts are necessarily proof of this intellectual backwardness.

We were once informed by a blonde Swedish student (during one of the many good old English language school summers) that the ‘advanced’ Scandinavians have a fertility cult of their own – and it’s a national holiday, to boot. Daphne may want to book a flight and join in the fun. See here and here for more info. It’s called the Midsummer Festival.

We’ll grant Daphne this: it's got a whole different aura to Paul Vincenti cutting ribbons in Naxxar. And it sure looks like more fun than a solitary cock on a roundabout.

Two - nil to the Ar-se-nal!

2006-03-29T03:35:00.000-08:00

There are many reasons for me to feel a certain affinity with a North London club, carissimo j'accuse. Akin to your falling for Alsacian food, I would surmise.

And since the Brits have a beautiful sense of humour, they call themselves The Gooners. Yes I know Peter Sellers and all that. Great chap he was too.

Since you like humour, here's a prophetic quiz question lifted from yesterday's match programme:

"Tonight we are playing Juventus. What is their nickname?"

A) The Old Lady
B) The Creeping Man
C) The Groaning Grandad.

"one - nil to the Arsenal"
"two - nil to the Arsenal"
"Arsene Wenger's Red Army"
"Goo - ners, Goo - ners"

Arsenal vs. Juve

2006-03-28T07:36:00.000-08:00

Come on you Gooners!

It's 16:42 GMT and I'm in Hampstead, NW 3. In 20 minutes my friend from Brussels (and Vecchia Signora fan) Mauro will pick me up. By 19:00 GMT we should be seated at Highbury, West Upper Block V, Row J, Seats 35 and 36.

By 21:30 "una squadra solida, manovriera, prevedibile, minacciosa su calci piazzati, operaia che lotta come una provinciale" (this is how Juve was described by the Gazzetta dello Sport after last Saturday's clash with AS Roma) might have silenced the Highbury fans and blocked out the wonderful Thierry.

But maybe beautiful football will triumph this time.

Enjoy!

Surreal

2006-03-27T15:31:00.000-08:00

L'Ange du Foyer ou Le Triomphe du surrealisme

Max Ernst

After Jacques' excellent piece...

There's nothing new or particularly Maltese about the racist views being expressed by certain individuals. But there is something distinctly surreal about the whole story. This is caused, I think, by the fact that Maltese debate often takes place in an intellectual vacuum - cut off from realities and debates elsewhere - which is very difficult to navigate.

Imagine that you were brought up on a small Mediterranean island. Imagine that you have never picked up a book, have never read a foreign newspaper and think that politics is summed up in two words: Lawrence and Fredu. Imagine that for as long as you can remember the only 'debate' you have witnessed is the eternal one between Lawrence's party and Fredu's party. Imagine that one of these debates involved the slogan "m'ghandniex bzonn il-barranin. Dawk jigu jehdulna xogholna." Few other debates take place. Imagine that you have been taught that there is One Truth and that 98% of your fellow countrymen profess to believe in the same Truth. Imagine that the local newspapers encourage you to define yourself in terms of this Truth. Imagine that the little bit of history you recall from your schooldays was the Great Seige of 1565 "bejn il-Maltin qalbiena u l-ghadu Tork". European history, nada. World history, nada. Current events, nada. Tista' Tkun Int, yes. And keep in mind that like 90% of your fellow Maltese you have never read a single book. Rightist groups are set up which, at the very least, justify a feeling of hatred you feel towards 'different people'.

'Illegal immigrants' escape from their sub-standard detention centre.

You are overheard saying "They should be burnt in the square".

A well-meaning (but hardly brilliant) editor of a local newspaper wonders "Surely, there are ways of keeping them busy and alleviating their boredom. For example, they should help, in their own interest, to keep toilets clean. Also, could not some scheme of putting them to work on public cleaning projects, under strict supervision, and for a small allowance, improve things? There are many jobs they could be given - God knows the island needs a massive sprucing up! The scheme could start with a few small groups, and eventually expanded. Naturally it must be ensured that at the end of their day's work, they return to "base"." source

Surreal.

Finally, when all is said and done the situation proves another important thing (if it ever needed to be proved): the limits of the Nation State and, in particular, of Malta as a nation state. It is simply clear that we can't cope without 'Europe'. Criticising this government's behaviour is probably justified on a number of counts but one must recall, for fairness' sake, that this is a huge problem. Sharon's piece about integrating immigrants into Maltese society seems sensible until you ask yourself how Malta would deal with 50,000, 200,000, no 400,000 immigrants. Which is not far-fetched in the present circumstances. But assuming that the boatloads of desperate immigrants do land in Malta purely by accident en route to Italy (as seems to be the case), one should ask the Opposition leader (who still thinks that 'Partnership' was the better option) how he would have dealt with the situation had he been in government. Remember, Rajna f'idejna was Labour's clarion call for 10 whole years. And Labour will probably form our next government. This is not simply a quibble. It is important that we admit this sooner rather than later.

Malta - Just Do It!

2006-03-23T05:00:00.000-08:00

Malta - Just Do It

A nationwide brand-building campaign will be launched in the coming weeks. The aim of this campaign is to make each and every one of us here a brand manager for Malta...It is only in this way that brand Malta will achieve success.

Surely if Francis manages to pull this one off it will go down in the Guinness Book of Records as the world's biggest publicity stunt. You can just imagine the international headlines: "Mediterranean island turns itself into a product".

In the meantime, please do have a look at what 'rival destination' Lanzarote has to offer by clicking here for regular updates.

And don't forget to have a Nice Day! And if it's your birthday - Happy Birthday! In fact Let's Have a Paaartyyyy!

Nghidu big hello lil hbieb taghna David u Pierre. Bhalissa ghaddejjin minn Rue
de la Loi fil-qalba ta' Brussell. Nawguraw lilhom il-vjagg it-tajjeb. Huma
jsellu ghal Romina. Qalulna li ghandha l-birth-----dayyy dalwaqt u allura lil
habiba taghna Romina nawgurawlha a big happy birth----dayyyyy. Nigu issa
ghall-muzika. Success wiehed wara l-iehor hawn fuq Radio 101. Il-grupp huwa
Belgjan. Jismu Vive La Fete li bl-ingliz tfisser Long Live the Partyyyyyyyyy.
Mill-ahhar album taghhom Grand Prix, hija t-track numru erba' - ghalikom -
Ex-ac-te-moooooooooo...... tlaqna....

(care of Pierre J. Mejlak - the Gigi Sabani of Maltese radio DJs)

Lists

2006-03-21T15:03:00.000-08:00

(with apologies to the authors of Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit?)

1.Ok Computer.
2.The Bends.
3.Xandru Grech in the MTA ads.
4.Peppi Azzopardi.
5.Pastizzi tal-pizelli.
6.Chiara…
7.…in that dress.
8.Piped Xmas music on Republic Street.
9.Basic Instinct.
10.The Bends.
11.Bohemian Rhapsody.
12.The Bends.
13.The video for Bohemian Rhapsody.
14.Captain Corelli.
15.Star Wars.
16.Daphne Caruana Galizia.
17. Crazy Little Thing Called Love.
18.The Doors.
19.Jason Micallef .
20.Jesus Christ.
21.This certainly is an
22.easy way to
23.fill up the pages
24.and schedules
25.and that.
26.Lou Bondi.
27.Ic-Chadwick Lakes.
28.The Bends.
29.Ok Computer.
30.The Bends.
31.The Bends.
32.The Bends!
33.Ok Computer.
34.Harry and Arnold.
35.Silg fuq Kemmuna.
36.Dripht.
37.Angli.
38.City Gate.
39.The Bends.
40.Godfather 3
41.was crap.
42.But the first two
43.were not crap.
44.Did you know that?
45.I didn’t.
46.Jesus.
47.Jesus Christ.
48.Jesus H. Christ.
49.Might it just be possible
50.to stop
51.lazily cataloguing
52.stuff that everyone already knows about?
53.Xandru Grech.
54.Michael Basmadjian in Angli.
55.Help
56.I want to get off
57.but I can’t.
58.Sideways.
59.Sheep.
60.The other bloke in Angli.
61.No, really.
62.The Bends.
63.I’m serious.
64.Bondi Plus.
65.This is killing me.
66.Joe Saliba.
67.Blue Pain Relief.
68.The Bends.
69.Kimika.
70.Lou Bondi.
71.Lou Bondi reading Kimika.
72.Might it be possible
73.to just be quiet for a bit?
74.Okay then, let’s see about that.
75.Here goes…
76.…
77.…
78.…
79.That’s better.
80.…
81.…
82.Pure bliss, actually.
83.…
84.…
85.…
86.…
87.No longer…
88.hearing the worthless bleatings…
89.of a moribund civilization…
90.turning everything…
91.out there…
92.into another turdy fucking list…
93.…
94.…
95.Joe Grima Live.
96.NO!
97.Marie Benoit's 60 seconds interviews.
98.NOOO!
99.Chiara in that dress.
100.Again.

2006-03-20T03:43:00.000-08:00

Dedicated to Sharon. But especially to Zemploid. :-)

I paladini dell'identita'

2006-03-19T13:03:00.000-08:00

The Sunday Times Roamer’s Column is Malta’s own one-man-band version of the teo-con movement: a Bush supporter, an Iraq War supporter and an avowed Churchgoer.

Fair enough. To each his own.

But ever since ‘liberal forces in Europe’ decided to ditch both Rocco Buttiglione and the “Christian heritage clause” in its draft Constitution, the man has used his column - Sunday after ruddy Sunday - to describe Europe as a doomed, secular, un-Christian place where liberal values have run amok. That is, a place that doesn’t fit his bleuprint of a morally ‘fit’ society which, reading his column, would probably resemble a cross between Bush’s US of A and Mikiel Gonzi’s Malta.

Roamer kisks off this Sunday’s column by grappling with - and condemning - racism a la Maltaise:

That a Christian acts and speaks as a racist is a contradiction that goes without saying; or does it? The pity of it all is that there are those among us who not only deny this. They flaunt the contradiction. A warped belief in their superiority has rejected their Christian roots.

So far so good. Although it doesn't even seem to have crossed his homogeneous mind that the cowards who burnt those cars at St. Aloysius' College might not, in fact, define themselves as Christians.

But here he is, ending this Sunday’s meandering romp across the world with a misguided Exocet in the direction of his imaginary Sodom and Gomorrah – “secular Europe”.

Such an outcome will in great part be due to a self-satisfied, secular, demographically doomed Europe and its forgetfulness in such matters as the exhortation to increase and multiply and failing to hold firm to beliefs that made Europe what it is. The enemy is within the dying soul of Europe. Only a renaissance will return it to life.

Guessing what Roamer's 'renaissance' would entail isn't too difficult.

Faced with a depressing choice between this sort of teo-con onslaught and the analysis of the local council election results in your own country’s newspapers, you tend to turn to the foreign press for something better.

In this article in La Repubblica, Gustavo Zagrebelsky, former president of the Italian Constitutional Court, takes on the Roamers of this world revealing that they may have a few ‘warped beliefs’ of their own.

I paladini dell’identita e la tolleranza dell’Occidente

Il lamento sull’identita’che manca e’ diventato un luogo comune del dibattito politico. Si puo fare bella figura a poco prezzo con qualche perorazione sulla carenza di “valori” identitari e cosi’ c’e’ perfino modo di farsi notare, magari per farsi largo in una campagna elettorale. […]

In breve si ragiona come se le nostre societa’ fossero prive d’identita’, avendola perduta o distrutta, e si discute percio’ di come darne loro una nuova o di come riprestinare l’antica. La riscoperta’ delle radici cristiane e’ il punto di arrivo di questi ragionamenti. Poiche in apparenza si tratta di colmare un’assenza, i promotori d’identita’ si presentano come portatori di doni disinteressati a un tipo di societa’ che ha bisogno di loro, per sopravvivere. Ma non e’ cosi’. Essi agiscono non per riempire vuoti ma per avviare sostituzioni. Onde, fuor di contraffazione, deve dirsi che essi combattono una battaglia di egemonia culturale che non e’ solo per, ma innanzitutto contro. Non sono benefattori ma conquistatori. Precisamente, sono cavalli di Troia. […]

Le societa’ che essi descrivono sarebbero luoghi di disgregazione e disperazione, relativismo, egoismo e mancanza di nerbo morale, tutti prodotti del famigerato “pensiero debole”…esse sarebbero preda di una pulsione all’autodistruzione o alla capitolazione. […]

Tutto cio’, in generale, sarebbe il frutto avvelenato della secolarizzazione e di una cultura degenerate senza valori. […]

Questi, piu’ o meno, I tratti delle societa’ laiche, “post-moderne” o “avanzate”, secondo I nostri postulatori di identita’.

Davvero le nostre società sono prive di valori? Forse si dimenticano troppo facilmente gli apporti ideali che, in una storia plurisecolare, sono venuti plasmando la nostra vita collettiva, apporti che hanno tanti nomi in corrispondenza ad altrettante conquista politiche, sociali e culturali: tolleranza nei confronti delle fedi di tutti, laicità, libertà e socialità, razionalismo, pluralismo, uguaglianza, diritti umani, costituzionalismo, democrazia. Alla base, c'è la persona umana come tale e la sua dignità, in quando appartenente al genere umano e indipendente dalla appartenenza a questa o quella fede, religione , stirpe, comunità politica, tutto questo, indubitabilmente, è identità. Essa, a differenza di quella dei procacciatori di identità perdute, non poggia su elementi concreti del tipo: una fede, una religione, una tradizione, una ideologia o una mitologia, una storia, una terra, una stirpe, ecc. Non poggia su unità pre-date perché la democrazia pluralista, per condurre a una vita comune le sue tante componenti, senza far uso della violenza, deve far leva soprattutto su valori astratti, non concreti; formali o procedurali, non materiali [...]

Per quanto astratti e formali, tuttavia, questi non sono "meno valori" di quelli materiali e concreti. Anzi, dal punto di vista del loro significato politico, sono più alti, sono meta-valori, in quanto consentono rispetto e convivenza pure tra quanti aderiscono a visioni della vita diverse, tra quanti aderiscono a differenti valori materiali e concreti, tra quanti, in breve, si riconoscono in distinte identità. Questi caratteri astratti e formali della democrazia, pur così preziosi per chi crede, appunto, nella democrazia, sono fragili e, per questo, c'è da temere dall'attacco dei paladini delle forti identità materiali e concrete. Si consideri infatti la natura di tali caratteri, una natura relazionale: tolleranza, uguaglianza, diritti, democrazia, ecc. non possono vivere se non sono accettati in una rete di rapporti in cui ciascuno è disposto a dare agli altri quel che pretende per se stesso. Sotto questo aspetto, il loro presupposto psicologico è la benevolenza degli uni verso gli altri, un atteggiamento di reciprocità dello spirito agli antipodi rispetto a quello di diffidenza, risentimento, se non qualche volta addirittura di disprezzo o odio, che muove i nostri baldanzosi postulatori di identità. L'identità della democrazia richiede un'elevata misura di responsabilità nei confronti della dimensione collettiva dell'esistenza.

Non così le identità materiali, che vivono per se stesse, ciascuna per proprio conto, e possono contare sulla forza e sulla violenza per imporsi sulle altre. Ecco in che cosa consiste la fragilità delle nostre società, in quanto non rinuncino a essere se stesse: vivono solo a condizione che le parti costitutive siano disposte e riescano a comporsi, senza fare affidamento sull'ordine imposto dalla forza che divide.

No Alpitours? Aie aie aie aie...

2006-03-16T15:54:00.000-08:00

Dedika specjali ghall-gybexi u ghas-cyberdigger: Kapitlu III, i

Sardines

2006-03-16T09:15:00.000-08:00

Wankellectuals, elit krepuskolari, intellettwali TA' VERU, dawk li jzommu blogg, dawk li jaghmlu l-progetti, the only blogger worth reading, post-Slimizi, avukati, tal-pepe, waste of time, wannabe wishy-washy socialists...

Of Wankellectuals and Referendaires

2006-03-15T01:58:00.001-08:00

Merci pour la publicite et felicitations pour la re-nomination. Meme pas trop de soucis de chomage (ou de transfer) quand/si le Labour sera elu. Et ca, mon cher, c'est l'essentiel apres tous les discours que nous faisons, nous, les intellobranleurs de ce petit pays. En fait, ca nous laisse un peu de liberte d'etre nous-memes - des intellobranleurs - et de dire ce que nous pensons. N'est-ce pas?

Grin and bear it

2006-03-13T08:37:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry but I can't help it. I had to post this. There's one Maltese politician/columnist whose attitude constantly reminds me of David Brent from BBC award-winning comedy The Office. That's all I wanted to say.

Baa baa black sheep have you any wool

2006-03-11T09:37:00.000-08:00

Baa baa black sheep

Have you any wool?

Yes sir, yes sir

Three bags full

One for the master

One for the dame

And one for the little boy

Who lives down the lane.

This short post is dedicated to fellow bloggers Jacques and Sharon, for different reasons. The latter lashed out at poor sod Kenneth Zammit Tabona for using a non-PC expression in one of his rambling articles. Incidentally, in a typically Maltese "either-or" aside, Kenneth thinks life is too short to bother translating literature into Maltese. One does wonder whether the man is so stingy with his time when it comes to attending society cocktail parties. Well, well.

Now to the story:

The UK Times informs us today that Oxfordshire toddlers are being made to sing "Baa baa rainbow sheep."

And in a wonderful multiple coincidence (see Sharon's article in today's Melita Times), people in the UK are already asking whether this means that it's ok to sing "Baa baa Brokeback Mountain Sheep".

Well, I might...

2006-03-10T09:26:00.000-08:00

At 17:28 GMT (18:28 Luxembourg time), I have a 70% chance of obtaining a ticket for the Arsenal - Juventus clash on the 28th of March at Highbury. I might be using the £8 red, maroon and white scarf with "ARSENAL 1913 - Highbury - 2006" emblazoned on it AGAIN. Only this time we'll shout even louder.

Luxemburgish armchair or French restaurant?

Il-Kuntest Kollox

2006-03-09T11:17:00.000-08:00

Il-Kuntest Kollox.

Ghiduli x'tahsbu.

Grazzi.

The Twelve Pins

2006-03-08T16:24:00.000-08:00

L-isbah mument illejla kien barra l-pub The Twelve Pins, hames minuti mixi minn Highbury. Kont ghaddej ma' siehbi l-Ingliz wara erba' pinet Guinness, it-tnejn libsin ix-xalla ta' l-Arsenal. Bil-qieghda fuq mejda barra kien hemm tliet guvintur ikantaw "There's only one team in Europe". U jien komplejt maghhom (imma nistqarr mhux b'mod konvincenti hafna) u ghamilt "yeaaah" filwaqt li xxuttjajt flixkun Lucozade. Imbaghad nisimghu "another fucking Spanish supporter". Imprezzabbli. Isbah mill-aqwa gol ta' Totti.

NB: Progett traduzzjoni: wara l-kumment ta' L-Imzebbel (grazzi), behsibni narma blogg iehor li jkun post fejn it-tradutturi li ghandhom progett f'mohhhom jistghu jinfurmaw lill-ohrajn (u lid-dinja) bil-pjan. X'tahsbu dwar "Il-Kuntest Kollox" bhala isem? Ibaghtuli l-progetti u nibdewh.

Futbolite

2006-03-07T14:33:00.000-08:00

I'm off to Londonium with good mate Paul, a genuine Gunners fan. If all goes well, we'll be at Highbury tomorrow night watching Arsenal take on Real Madrid in the Champions League and again on Sunday afternoon when Wenger's men meet Liverpool in the Premiership. We should catch some exciting football especially if Juve-reject Henry is on good form. Fingers crossed that 88th minute goalkeeping blunders remain confined to the Stadio delle Alpi.

Lookalikes

2006-03-06T09:08:00.000-08:00

Journalists and other pundits agree that the three men in the photos all have a certain "mysterious air" about them which they've cleverly cultivated over the years. Apparently some women find this aura incredibly sexy. But one is a Maltese politician and writer, another is a Czech football coach (famous for his anti-Juventus tirades) and the third is a controversial French author. Match the picture with the description and join the world of mysterious glances.

Skake your body

2006-03-06T01:05:00.000-08:00

The newly formed "non-political Malta and Gozo Citizens Lobby Group", an environmental pressure group, which was set up last week by three Maltese lasses aims to :

"Wake up the public and

Shake up the Government..."

The group has already roped in several members of what the Sunday Times called "the higher echelons of society" but claims that the environmental "uglification" that has engulfed Malta "is no longer a middle class issue".

Judging by the speed at which pressure groups, independent residents' associations and the like are sprouting up, the Maltese political scene is likely to go from two-party monolith to cacophony in no time. And the atomization of Maltese society goes on as citizens prepare to kick some government booty. Good. But where does this latest development leave Harry? Backing vocals anyone?

Manifesto

2006-03-03T03:29:00.000-08:00

A very important development in the cartoons saga. Note the diverse backgrounds of the intellectuals in question.

X'qalu l-Maltin:

Immanuel Mifsud
Anthony Manduca
Ranier Fsadni
J'accuse
Lanzarote
Triq il-Maqluba

Kritika

2006-03-02T06:27:00.000-08:00

Lo so che per persone intelligenti e colte come Citati e Ferroni i miei libri stanno alla letteratura come il fast-food alla cucina francese, o come la pornografia all'erotismo. (Alessandro Baricco)

Last week's heated (and at times funny) debate between J'accuse, myself and Xifer started out by J'accuse pulling my leg by calling me a clone, progressed with a prolonged (and it seems alienating) tit-for-tat between the two of us, and climaxed with Xifer's 'entrata a piedi uniti' (mainly on j'accuse's ankles). If you ignore the insults and veiled (and not so veiled) nastiness, you'd find that some interesting things were being said about what I'd like to call "intellectual copyright" and the role of the intellectual in Maltese society. Xifer's point that the survival kit needed in this society are bull's balls, a forked tongue and a large pair of lungs to snuff out everyone else's candle was, I think, close to the truth.

Today, I came across an interesting botta e risposta between author Alessandro Baricco (of Seta and Novecento fame) and a well-known Italian critic who had passed a snide remark about one of Baricco's latest works. Baricco could have shut up and let the remark pass but decided not to. Giulio Ferroni, the critic, counter-attacked presto.

In Malta, I think, writers have a different sort of problem which is that the only real criticism is the one which they impose on themselves. They're either simply not read or are read by a small group of 'fans' who'll pat the author on the back and say 'prosit, man' all too easily. They might add 'ostra cool' for added effect. We have started bashing TV programmes but works of literature appear to me to be exempt from any real debate. This is a pity since it limits their impact to a very small crowd of devotees and prevents them from being read 'in context'.

Have you heard anyone publicly describing a Maltese poem as really quite awful?

Serge

2006-03-01T09:29:00.000-08:00

(2 avril 1928 - 2 mars 1991)

Grazzi xbin

La Chanson De Prévert

Oh je voudrais tant que tu te souviennes
Cette chanson était la tienne
C’était ta péférée je crois
Qu’elle est de Prévert et Kosma
Et chaque fois Les Feuilles mortes
Te rappelle à mon souvenir
Jour après jour les amours mortes
N’en finissent pas de mourir
Avec d’autres bien sûr je m’abandonner
Mais leur chanson est monotone
Et peu à peu je m’indiffère
À cela il n’est rien à faire
Car chaque fois Les Feuilles mortes
Te rappelle à mon souvenir
Jour apès jour les amours mortes
N’en finissent pas de mourir
Peut-on jamais savoir par où commence
Et quand finit l’indifférence
Passe l’automne vienne l’hiver
Et que la chanson de Prévert
Cette chanson Les Feuilles mortes
S’efface de mon souvenir
Et ce jour-là mes amours mortes
En auront fini de mourir
Et ce jour-là mes amour mortes
En auront fini de mourir